I'm tired, I'm having a very painful headache.
It's killing me... I can't even sleep, Keep on pulling my hair.
It's dark, It's silent, when i hug my pillow, i can hear my own heartbeat
what does it have to say?
I guess it has many things to say.
When it's dark, quiet and silent in the middle of the night,
I think about stuffs.
About my life, about people, about the past, the future, and random memories that just popped out...
I think about, my wrong, my mistakes, things that are hindering me to do the right thing..
I think about.. many many things.
Who is that girl i see, staring straight, back at me?
When will my reflection show, who i am inside?
Life has been great, It's been full of joy, full of laughter,
I've been a cheerful girl, in fact a very cheerful one.
I'm not the old me anymore, because of Jesus Christ
that has changed me, touched my heart, and cleansed my past,
I Love my life now, i love the people around me, i love the feeling of being loved and to love.
It's been a while.
But I still want to say that the TRUTH has set me free.
It's an undescrible feeling.
It feels, great, peaceful, and joyful.
I'm no more the girl that everyone has to say STOP being EMO to me every day
I'm no more the girl that cries everyday
I'm no more the girl that will look at other people's beautiful smile and wish that i could have one too.
But now, everyday i constantly remind myself
that i want to be the kind of girl that will influence people to be happy
the kind of girl that smiles so joyfully, until when people see me,
they can feel the joy in my heart and in my life.
the kind of girl that can make people smile because of my smile.
Sometimes the past still haunts me,
but i remind myself that there's a great future out there waiting for me.
The bible tells us not to look back, but to look forward.
I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it...
when it's all about You...
It's all about You... Jesus.
Well... I won't say so much here.
Lastly, my favorite song :
Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from Thy presence O Lord
and take not Thy Holy spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me
:)
The joy of the Lord is my strength :)
Love always hopes, always trust. Love never fails.
Saturday 8 December 2012
Sunday 24 June 2012
what is wrong with me
why do i have this feeling?
the feeling of locking myself in the room 24 hours and not see the world or anything else.
what is wrong with me !
why are all the complicated feelings mixed up together at the same time
what is wrong with me
did i think too much?
what is wrong with me...?!
feel like crying, my heart is so heavy, but i just cant release out my feelings and tears
i'm kind of lost, i think im crazy
i do laugh in front of people, i do smile,
but who knows the feelings inside me
actually i dont even know myself either
i dont know!
please, God, give me tears, i will feel better that way.
someone please tell me what is wrong with me
i wanted to type something, i wanted to tell you,i typed it, and i backspaced it
what is wrong with me
i dont want to lie down , i just want to burst out in tears
i'm not okay, and i dont know why
why do i have this feeling?
the feeling of locking myself in the room 24 hours and not see the world or anything else.
what is wrong with me !
why are all the complicated feelings mixed up together at the same time
what is wrong with me
did i think too much?
what is wrong with me...?!
feel like crying, my heart is so heavy, but i just cant release out my feelings and tears
i'm kind of lost, i think im crazy
i do laugh in front of people, i do smile,
but who knows the feelings inside me
actually i dont even know myself either
i dont know!
please, God, give me tears, i will feel better that way.
someone please tell me what is wrong with me
i wanted to type something, i wanted to tell you,i typed it, and i backspaced it
what is wrong with me
i dont want to lie down , i just want to burst out in tears
i'm not okay, and i dont know why
Sunday 17 June 2012
I'm pretending my smile.
I'm pretending like i look happy.
i'm pretending like i'm fine.
I'm pretending putting all the smiling emoticons.
But I'm actually crying.
I'm crying in front of the screen.
My heart hurts a lot.
I'm not fine at all.
I need you, I need you is what i actually wanted to say.
what is wrong with me?
why am i so weak?
why do i feel hurt ?
I'm not fine. I'm looking at the chatbox.
i seem like i'm fine.
i have so much to tell you, but i dont know how to say.
I dont want to spoil your mood and your day.
i kept everything inside me, pretending and pretending.
why are you not replying me when i need you
sorry , maybe i'm annoying.
how i wish you can read my mind and know what am i thinking.
all i wanted to say is, i need you now, i really need you , to be here with me.
sorry , maybe i'm annoying.
how i wish you can read my mind and know what am i thinking.
all i wanted to say is, i need you now, i really need you , to be here with me.
Saturday 9 June 2012
09.06.2012
today, 9th of june, 2012.
let's start with the moment i opened my eyes. :)
I did not wake up in a good way,
in fact i kinda woke up in fear,the first thing i heard was scolding sound.
i really really, do not like this at all.
i always wanted myself to wake up in a very good mood, welcoming the new day,
and i always wanted myself to wake up thinking of God and His grace as the first thought of my day.
It's really hard to describe it, it does not feel good at all, and in fact i felt like crying.
I didnt have freedom at that moment, and freedom means so much to me.
feel like crying is the first thing i get in the morning, this is so not good.
i really dont like it, it actually can affect my whole day mood.
but thanks to Ah Boy who cheered me up :)
i locked myself in the room and started my trip to africa.
(actually i meant i was drawing africa maps)
somehow i felt better? maybe it's because i'm really interested in geography. :)
altho the maps was hard to draw, ma fan and need a long time to complete it,
but i still enjoy it.
at least, when you do maths, you cant listen to music freely.
but when you do geography, it's still okay when you turn on your music to the loudest volume.
i like to be alone in my own room.
i'm me, and just being myself. :)
after homework, i went to practice violin, that piece that i'm gonna play tomorrow.
i reached church, and the english service worship team is practicing for tomorrow.
i miss worship session in english service.
i enjoy the worship every week, last week i wasnt around, so i look forward to tomorrow's worship session. what would God speak to me again?
actually, i was nervous.
cuz, David Chin is here, to coach me and stuffs.
i played under his coaching last year, and he was fierce, and he always make me feel im useless.
he scolds, and, and, and.... and i just dont know how to say it.
i was waiting in church,
thinking,
later how? later will i kena scold? will everything go smoothly later?
honestly, that song is hard, and i dont remember playing it before, i dont think i ever heard this song before.
it's originally played by flute, and all the notes are so high.
and, i'm not good at counting the beat, yes you can laugh at me now.
i was thinking,
will he be patient enough to teach me? will he scold me? ....
and yes,
he came, David Chin came,
he started playing the piano and ask me to play.
sunday school choir was there, and everyone was looking at me,
i was all alone, teacher alice wasnt there, i was so afraid, seriously.
before he started playing i told him i'm not really familiar with the song.
he didnt answer me and started playing and ask me to play as well.
i was... i was blurcased, and dont know when to go in..
he started scolding me.... in front of everybody....
你是怎样？那么简单你也不会吗？这个拍子很难吗？
i didnt say a word....
i prayed in my heart for strength, i felt so weak and useless.
i played once again, this time he said, i cant play this sunday......
i felt like crying, it's not because i dont get to play tomorrow,
it's because im so useless, and such a failure, and so shameful.
ms ang came over and told david chin, give me a chance, cuz this was quite last minute and i just received the score last night.
david chin told ms and to bring me downstairs and practice..
okay this is better at least.
after practicing with ms ang, ms ang wasnt sure if i can play tomorrow...
cuz i never practiced with the adult choir yet....
she said i have to practice again with teacher alice tomorrow morning during english service and see if can then play...
this means..... i cant go to english service.............................?
yes.... im sad...
i felt so down, and i held my tears.
i felt so useless, and im a failure.
here comes me with all the emo feelings again,
i dont like it , i dont like myself to have this kind of feelings.
i'm not as good as all of you think....
those people who loves me for who i am ,
actually, why? i'm not worth to be loved by you guys like this..
-
Yes, i've been waiting for this particular night for so long,
and , and and.... and i'll be writing it in my own diary. :)
Anyway, thank God for blessing all of us tonight.
we all had fun and enjoyed the fellowship with one another!
Laughter and smiles are beautiful things.
though there are regrets tonight, but it's okay, there are more chances ahead.
We are all God's people.
Smile, Jesus Loves You.
Bookmarks,card,keychain from a special person.
i love them so much, and it means a lot to me :)
I'll cherish it and keep it safe with me.
I'll smile whenever i look at them :)
Thank you so much , Sunshine :)
btw, your writing is so cute. :)
altho there is a really bad news, but there will still be next year, and all the years ahead. isnt it?
i can only force myself to think this way.
* what is the mafia game?? i dont even get it? my brain works slow okay?
-
Dear heavenly Father,
I pray that, I will have the spiritual discipline to do my quiet time every day.
I long for You, I want to get closer and closer with You each day.
Thank You for forgiving such an underserved person like me.
Please guide me, and lead me to walk the right path.
Amen.
before i close,
i still wanna give thanks to God,
for my family, and all the friends who loves me for who i am,despite the bad side of my personality,and my weaknesses.
I feel loved everyday, with the love im surrounded with everyday,
all those small little hurts doesnt mean anything much anymore.
small hurts are part of relationship isnt it.
life is full of small yet perfect moments, if you know how to give thanks.
-
I'm so small and tiny, and i have so many weaknesses.
Please let it be forever.
Ah boy. :)
let's start with the moment i opened my eyes. :)
I did not wake up in a good way,
in fact i kinda woke up in fear,the first thing i heard was scolding sound.
i really really, do not like this at all.
i always wanted myself to wake up in a very good mood, welcoming the new day,
and i always wanted myself to wake up thinking of God and His grace as the first thought of my day.
It's really hard to describe it, it does not feel good at all, and in fact i felt like crying.
I didnt have freedom at that moment, and freedom means so much to me.
feel like crying is the first thing i get in the morning, this is so not good.
i really dont like it, it actually can affect my whole day mood.
but thanks to Ah Boy who cheered me up :)
i locked myself in the room and started my trip to africa.
(actually i meant i was drawing africa maps)
somehow i felt better? maybe it's because i'm really interested in geography. :)
altho the maps was hard to draw, ma fan and need a long time to complete it,
but i still enjoy it.
at least, when you do maths, you cant listen to music freely.
but when you do geography, it's still okay when you turn on your music to the loudest volume.
i like to be alone in my own room.
i'm me, and just being myself. :)
after homework, i went to practice violin, that piece that i'm gonna play tomorrow.
finally 4:30 is getting nearer and nearer,
i have to go to church to practice violin .i reached church, and the english service worship team is practicing for tomorrow.
i miss worship session in english service.
i enjoy the worship every week, last week i wasnt around, so i look forward to tomorrow's worship session. what would God speak to me again?
actually, i was nervous.
cuz, David Chin is here, to coach me and stuffs.
i played under his coaching last year, and he was fierce, and he always make me feel im useless.
he scolds, and, and, and.... and i just dont know how to say it.
i was waiting in church,
thinking,
later how? later will i kena scold? will everything go smoothly later?
honestly, that song is hard, and i dont remember playing it before, i dont think i ever heard this song before.
it's originally played by flute, and all the notes are so high.
and, i'm not good at counting the beat, yes you can laugh at me now.
i was thinking,
will he be patient enough to teach me? will he scold me? ....
and yes,
he came, David Chin came,
he started playing the piano and ask me to play.
sunday school choir was there, and everyone was looking at me,
i was all alone, teacher alice wasnt there, i was so afraid, seriously.
before he started playing i told him i'm not really familiar with the song.
he didnt answer me and started playing and ask me to play as well.
i was... i was blurcased, and dont know when to go in..
he started scolding me.... in front of everybody....
你是怎样？那么简单你也不会吗？这个拍子很难吗？
i didnt say a word....
i prayed in my heart for strength, i felt so weak and useless.
i played once again, this time he said, i cant play this sunday......
i felt like crying, it's not because i dont get to play tomorrow,
it's because im so useless, and such a failure, and so shameful.
我没有勇气站起来。
ms ang came over and told david chin, give me a chance, cuz this was quite last minute and i just received the score last night.
david chin told ms and to bring me downstairs and practice..
okay this is better at least.
after practicing with ms ang, ms ang wasnt sure if i can play tomorrow...
cuz i never practiced with the adult choir yet....
she said i have to practice again with teacher alice tomorrow morning during english service and see if can then play...
this means..... i cant go to english service.............................?
yes.... im sad...
i felt so down, and i held my tears.
i felt so useless, and im a failure.
here comes me with all the emo feelings again,
i dont like it , i dont like myself to have this kind of feelings.
i'm not as good as all of you think....
those people who loves me for who i am ,
actually, why? i'm not worth to be loved by you guys like this..
-
BBQ night at Zhan Bin's house with KCMC teens!
Yes, i've been waiting for this particular night for so long,
and , and and.... and i'll be writing it in my own diary. :)
Anyway, thank God for blessing all of us tonight.
we all had fun and enjoyed the fellowship with one another!
Laughter and smiles are beautiful things.
though there are regrets tonight, but it's okay, there are more chances ahead.
We are all God's people.
Smile, Jesus Loves You.
Bookmarks,card,keychain from a special person.
i love them so much, and it means a lot to me :)
I'll cherish it and keep it safe with me.
I'll smile whenever i look at them :)
Thank you so much , Sunshine :)
btw, your writing is so cute. :)
altho there is a really bad news, but there will still be next year, and all the years ahead. isnt it?
i can only force myself to think this way.
* what is the mafia game?? i dont even get it? my brain works slow okay?
-
I have so much to say, so much to express.
Who knows my heart except God?Dear heavenly Father,
I pray that, I will have the spiritual discipline to do my quiet time every day.
I long for You, I want to get closer and closer with You each day.
Thank You for forgiving such an underserved person like me.
Please guide me, and lead me to walk the right path.
Amen.
before i close,
i still wanna give thanks to God,
for my family, and all the friends who loves me for who i am,despite the bad side of my personality,and my weaknesses.
I feel loved everyday, with the love im surrounded with everyday,
all those small little hurts doesnt mean anything much anymore.
small hurts are part of relationship isnt it.
life is full of small yet perfect moments, if you know how to give thanks.
-
I'm so small and tiny, and i have so many weaknesses.
Please let it be forever.
Ah boy. :)
Sunday 3 June 2012
It is midnight now.
Its holidays and I'm in Penang
Everyone's asleep and I can't sleep.
Just here to share some thoughts.
Holidays have started,
The first week is gone,
Now is the second week of holidays.
I've joined 2 camps.
First is my Chinese orchestra camp
I'll skip it and save it for next time.
I'll share about the second camp that is so amazing and awesome and wonderful.
It's my church's teenagers camp.
I really thank God for this camp.
We all have just learnt so much.
This is the first time I see KCMC youth unite as one despite which language we speak.
We have fun together.
Hold hands.
Play
Laugh and even cry together when the holy spirit touch us during that very special night of prayer meeting.
I can see lives has been touched
I can see lives that has been changed and transformed by our almighty God through this camp
We are one.
It feels so awesome when all of u worship our God together with a genuine heart,
Enjoying the love of brothers and sisters in Christ,the true live that can only be found in Christ Jesus .
God spoke to each and every one of us
We learnt a lot from our speaker pr chi meei too
Once again it's a reminder and wake up call for everyone of us
Are we ready to be used by God?
Are we prepared to walk closer with God?
Are we ready to take up this step of faith?
I had so much fun personally in this camp
I thank God for all the friends around me
Friends who love me and care for me for who I am
Thank you guys so muh for everything
Thanks you guys for being with me in this camp
Just wanna say I love you guys so much.
I am so blessed indeed.
I pray that our generation will rise up!
Let's all be soldiers of God!
Let the love be contiued
But not just end after camp.
God is love
Jesus is freedom
Without God, man ,where would Annabella be today.
Dear God,
I just wanna thank you again
As I think back of everything You've done in my life.
You are so real in my life
I am wiling to obey and follow You.
Please guide me o lord I pray.
Yes, Jesus,I love You.
I was so unworthy.
I know how it felt to be so stuck in unworthiness and sinfulness
But you know what?
He is willing to love me
He is willing to die for someone so unworthy like me.
Who else can I find my hope and strength?
Who else can love me like Jesus?
Only Jesus,and Jesus alone.
I was so lost in my life.
I almost gave up on everything.
I've died once , spirititually.
Jesus saved me .
He leaded me back to Him.
This is how much He loves me.
Jesus is the way the truth and the life and this is so true.
-
Recently I've come to know that to love is an every day decision
True love takes courage,
And it has tests and trials.
I've felt so disappointed once.
I saw something,
And when I saw that my heart was so hurt
I have no idea at that time why was I so hurt
But I'm willing
I'm fully willing
I'm willing to continue
This comes from my heart.
Every day is a decision
It's not just feelings
Cuz human feelings will tell you to stop loving that person
When you realize the ugly side of that person.
Sometime Im really afraid
What if everything goes wrong one day
I can't imagine the hurt
I don't want it to happen at all.
I can ony pray and trust and obey.
The scripture says if you delight yourself in the lord
He will give you the desires of your heart.
I will trust and have faith.
-
I have my own struggles.
An unpleasant past.
I know Jesus has cleansed it all away
But yet sometimes
I can't forgive myself
I'm trying so hard to just forget all about it
Like it never happened in my life before.
But .... Still.
-
God understands.
Ah boy ,
Thank you so much forever everything.
Thank God that I get to know you.
You've bring so much to me.
More than you can imagine.
I'll always be here for you.
And always here praying for you.
I hope I did make you feel better and bring colors to your life just like how you did.
I feel so happy for you when you told me what you've learned from the past week.
I can see that you,re even closer with God now
And I'm glad to hear all the wonderful things He has done in Your life
Praise the lord!
Smile more, you have a beautiful smile :)
Again, thanks :)
Saturday 19 May 2012
考完试的那一天，
平时都有出去的我，这次留在班上做道具，
做道具之前，还跟班上的人去Bayu 的pizza hut, 刘晶玲老师也有来 :D
星期二就是戏剧决赛了
在做道具的时候.... :)
剪这个，剪到手抽筋了。超费力的 ..
放学，直接冲去6楼音乐中心，练琴。
因为我过后没有时间练了，所以放学直接去练。
这是我第一次去，
昨天比恩跟我讲进去练一次1小时要5块，我吓到.....
我不明白为什么那么贵，其实根本就不该收钱。
我就试试看了，4年来第一次到这里来。
jiamin 陪我去，到那边，有个老师，不知道是什么国家的人，讲话语调很中国腔..
就来叫我写名字，时间那些，
她看到我手指还有一点蓝蓝，就问我为什么手蓝蓝，她说她不想她的琴键被弄脏。
那里有4间房，她只允许一个人进。jiamin进就要给钱了. -.-
jiamin在外面等我一下，她讲她要听 xD
我就进去了，开始练琴了，感觉有点不习惯，穿着校服，在学校，而且是放学时间。
房间里面真的是有够热，开了冷气可是吹出来的是热气，一个窗口都没有，
只有一个钢琴，那架钢琴也蛮旧了.
jiamin 突然从门那边偷听 xD 我转过头的时候吓到我 ! xD
过后看老师不在，我叫她快点进来，我们讲话小小声，免得老师听到被赶出来 ><
其实我觉得 放学后能再学校练琴，是很不错幸福的事情..
如果难过或心情不好，甚至是开心，
如果我有时间的话，改次应该会再来。
那里只有几位学生，我还听到小提琴声!
可是，我还是不明白为什么要收学生的钱，而且是5块，很贵。
我也不明白为什么要建在那么偏僻的地方，电梯也不能上那里，要爬楼梯。
我想，我们学校很多同学都不知道这个音乐中心的存在, 只知道有平时上音乐课的那间音乐室而已...
1小时后，那个老师就来赶我了：时间到了！
我就离开音乐中心了。
那时候就开始觉得很晕很晕，不知道为什么
走路的时候，越走越晕
到班上的时候，突然有一瞬间 觉得视线变黑了，感觉好像要晕过去
我在窗帘那里，往外看，真的很晕，心有点慌.
过后有好一点，回到家的时候 就从晕变成痛。
-
分享分享下我最近的生活 :)
fangxue went to 白店 AGAIN ( it's like we go there almost every day ) with jiamin .
saw marshmellows!!! I LOVE IT ! think of SOMEBODY , so i took photo =P
hey, that SOMEBODY, remember ??! CHOCOLATE WITH MARSHMELLOWS !
yes, you !!!! XD
看到这个的时候，又突然有了一个新愿望 xD
头很痛恨痛的时候 ...
lastly, my bradaaaaa alex chew ! :)
do we look alike? more and more people say thought we're 亲生姐弟 XD
Thanks, di =)
平时都有出去的我，这次留在班上做道具，
做道具之前，还跟班上的人去Bayu 的pizza hut, 刘晶玲老师也有来 :D
星期二就是戏剧决赛了
在做道具的时候.... :)
文凯和我 :)
我们都爱高一文商孝 ! :)
昨天， 2nd下课在班上做道具，用pelaka涂布景，
涂完要洗手的时候 城荣直接涂我的手，整个变这样.
然后，就有人讲我是smurf 了. xD
昨天把头发放下来，因为放学要去剪头发 !
诗韵和我 :)
放学，直接冲去6楼音乐中心，练琴。
因为我过后没有时间练了，所以放学直接去练。
这是我第一次去，
昨天比恩跟我讲进去练一次1小时要5块，我吓到.....
我不明白为什么那么贵，其实根本就不该收钱。
我就试试看了，4年来第一次到这里来。
jiamin 陪我去，到那边，有个老师，不知道是什么国家的人，讲话语调很中国腔..
就来叫我写名字，时间那些，
她看到我手指还有一点蓝蓝，就问我为什么手蓝蓝，她说她不想她的琴键被弄脏。
那里有4间房，她只允许一个人进。jiamin进就要给钱了. -.-
jiamin在外面等我一下，她讲她要听 xD
我就进去了，开始练琴了，感觉有点不习惯，穿着校服，在学校，而且是放学时间。
房间里面真的是有够热，开了冷气可是吹出来的是热气，一个窗口都没有，
只有一个钢琴，那架钢琴也蛮旧了.
jiamin 突然从门那边偷听 xD 我转过头的时候吓到我 ! xD
过后看老师不在，我叫她快点进来，我们讲话小小声，免得老师听到被赶出来 ><
其实我觉得 放学后能再学校练琴，是很不错幸福的事情..
如果难过或心情不好，甚至是开心，
如果我有时间的话，改次应该会再来。
那里只有几位学生，我还听到小提琴声!
可是，我还是不明白为什么要收学生的钱，而且是5块，很贵。
我也不明白为什么要建在那么偏僻的地方，电梯也不能上那里，要爬楼梯。
我想，我们学校很多同学都不知道这个音乐中心的存在, 只知道有平时上音乐课的那间音乐室而已...
1小时后，那个老师就来赶我了：时间到了！
我就离开音乐中心了。
那时候就开始觉得很晕很晕，不知道为什么
走路的时候，越走越晕
到班上的时候，突然有一瞬间 觉得视线变黑了，感觉好像要晕过去
我在窗帘那里，往外看，真的很晕，心有点慌.
过后有好一点，回到家的时候 就从晕变成痛。
-
分享分享下我最近的生活 :)
During music class, taken by my cousin timothy. :)
=)
Some people, can just make you smile so naturally. :)
hmmm. i wonder who's that ? XD
My sister bought me this from her school ! how nice of her ! i love her sooooooooo much !!!
小叮当，仍然陪着我 :)
去camp 的时候都会带它去 ! xD
这是.。。应该是上个星期吧 :)
看起来很累，不够睡的样子。
Peek-a-Boo i see you ! XD
Sis and me :)
These are the some of the times that i smile when texting ! XD HEHE .
fangxue went to 白店 AGAIN ( it's like we go there almost every day ) with jiamin .
saw marshmellows!!! I LOVE IT ! think of SOMEBODY , so i took photo =P
hey, that SOMEBODY, remember ??! CHOCOLATE WITH MARSHMELLOWS !
yes, you !!!! XD
看到这个的时候，又突然有了一个新愿望 xD
lastly, my bradaaaaa alex chew ! :)
do we look alike? more and more people say thought we're 亲生姐弟 XD
Thanks, di =)
Wednesday 16 May 2012
Today is the day, i will tell all my feelings about the society im joining in my school.
Chinese Orchestra, YES.
I don't care if any of the members sees this.
I'm going to say it directly, it's been kept in my heart for 3 years. who cares.
I really don't like it !
I feel so..so stressed, tensed, rejected, unwanted, what else?
我们是个大家庭，互相照顾, YEA RIGHT.
family? yea, right.
I DONT FEEL A SINGLE SENSE OF CARE for these years!
I FEEL STRESSED AND TENSED every time i step into the room !
I FEEL BORED, YES, BORED ! and tired !
I just feel like i cant blend into the group.
Hello? it's been 3 years! I still feel like im a new student to the group man.
who knows my feelings? who knows the tears i've shed for this stupid reason?!
But i'm the only one facing this problem.
those who join this group the same time as me,
has already got a click and close friends in the group.
reasons i dont like the group at all, and why i cant blend in .
1. Most of them are really good students. I mean , really good results, and very very guai students.
Most of them are the kind of the students that study everyday, super discipline, very serious, don't play,
don't joke. even if they joke, sorry to say that, their jokes are the DIFFERENT kind of joke. those kind of
jokes that good students crack, which doesnt make me laugh at all.
In this group, i feel so tensed. nobody loves to play.
it's like, super serious. not like school band, they do have crazy times and joke around.
We dont. i mean, THEY dont. it's not suitable for me, im not that type, difenitely not.
everything in that group is like so formal, so serious, so strict.
I didnt say we shouldn't have rules, but sorry, im not here to critisize, every group has their own style,
maybe i'm just not suitable for this kind of style.
2. I am a very sensitive person but i promise i'm not being sensitive this time.
I dont know for WHAT reason? People in there seem to look down on me.maybe it's because i'm not
as good as them? some people always give me those looks . you know, THOSE LOOKS.
People there, dont unite with each other.
People there, doesnt care about you. yes,maybe some. just some.
People there, dont love each other.
People there, are working hard to prove their better than others, NOT TO LEARN TOGETHER.
People there, don't show love at all.
what have i done wrong man. I just cant blend in , I JUST CAN'T. at first i think that it's my own
problem , i have socializing problem, it's not their fault. I tried very hard to talk to them, chat with them,
blend into their culture, but i failed.
I can talk and laugh like mad in front of other group of friends,
but once i step into the CO room, the cold and unloving room,
I dont feel like i'm me.
I don't feel like im Annabella, it's like another annabella trying to be the real annabella but failed.
I feel unwanted, rejected or so.
I'm just not me at all. I dont smile, and i dont laugh there.
People are so cold there.
People are so proud there.
People are so fake there.
Come on, this doesnt even sound like an orchestra.
i remember 2 years ago, i used to cry a lot due to the stress in this group.
but, who cares? the respond you get is the same.
at first i thought when times goes by, i will slowly blend in and i wont feel the same anymore.
But i'm in this group for 2 years already, i still feel the same.
last year, form 3 students can choose to not have any coccuriculum activities due to exams.
That's a great news for me.
So, last year, i quit.
I dont belong anywhere, im free.
I didnt want to go back again this year.
But, last year end,
I start to miss the music.
MUSIC, NOT THE PEOPLE, NOT THE GROUP.
I miss 华乐。
I miss this kind of really nice music.
I dont know if i still have chance to learn chinese music or not.
I thought for a very long time,
at last i decided to join this group again .
just because of the music. I really miss it.
IM SO STUPID.
I MADE THE WRONG DECISION.
GREAT! IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SUFFER FOR THE WHOLE 2012.
this year, i thought everything will be different. ....
come on , annabella.
You think too much .
You don't always get the thing you've expected.
I was too naive.
After leaving this group for 1 whole year, and this year im back again,
i thought they would welcome me, shake hands with me
or will be suprised or shocked, like hey!! you are back ! or stuffs like that.
But, i was totally wrong.
1st day of 学会, 2012.
they knew i came back.
no one came to say hi to me.
no one smiled to me.
no one came to talk to me.
and i have no friends there anymore because i used to have a friend in CO and she has already quit.
I'm all on my own, just me myself and I.
few mins later, another girl came in.
she's like me, quit at form 3 , and this year came back.
once she step into the room,
everyone was like running to her and said hey !!!!! you came back!!!!!!
i told you, i was the odd one. i was the werid one, i was the ugly duckling.
what was i? am i invisible?? hello? am i nothing?
Was i invisible for the past 2 years?
Dont you guys know me?
Yes, i m invisible .
I wanted to cry at that moment.
I was asked to sit together with the form 1 new students.
and when the form 1 students need to stand up 1 by one and introduce themselves to the group,
I was called to do that too .
I felt so unwanted,
I was here in this group for 2 years ! and now you ask me to stand up like a new student and introduce myself, and say what is the reason i join this group??
when it was HER turn to introduce, everyone was like whoooo! yay!! and stuffs like that.
the president even purposely announce to the whole group that she was one of our member, but she quit last year and came back this year.
HELLO? I AM TOO !
I AM NOT A NEW STUDENT !
Why only annouce her and not me???!
WHY I HAVE TO SIT TOGETHER WITH THE FORM 1 STUDENTS AND INTRODUCE MYSELF?!
what have i done wrong?! why i have to be treated like this?!
it's like i beg them to come back like that !
dont show me that kind of faces !
THE PAST 2 YEARS, ALL THE EFFORT I'VE GIVE IN, WASTED?!
there's only 1 thing that brights up my time in that stupid place that day.
My 教练 . he saw me. he came to me and just sayang my head, although i dont know why did he do that? but that was the ONLY THING that make me smile for the whole afternoon.
I kept quiet the whole afternoon.
It was a dark and gloomy afternoon.
I hold my tears , i didnt want to cry in this stupid place.
My heart was so heavy.
i realized i made the wrong choice . that is to join back this group this year .
this may be the biggest mistake i've done in my life .
An ugly duckling , trying to blend in with the "swans" for 3 years, and failed .
that's me, an ugly duckling .
Go on , laugh , give me a nickname if you want
THE UGLY DUCKLING OF HIN HUA CHINESE ORCHESTRA.
how about that ?
No one cares.
I guess this is the world, this is reality .
I'm suffering in this group , seriously .
Many times i cry because of the stress in it .
Tomorrow is the last day of exam.
Normally i will go out shopping with them.
few weeks back i've keep on wanting to go shopping with priscilla.
I've not shopped for ages.
I want freedom, i want to shop !
I cant buy the things i want when i go with my family, but i can when i go out with friends.
But this time, i loose my freedom .
I've studied so hard for this time's exam,
I want freedom!
I want to go out with frieends !
but the bad news is I HAVE TO GO TO THAT PLACE AFTER EXAM !
I DONT WAN'T TO GO !
If you ask my classmates,
every thursday and saturday before school ends,
i will keep on bugging them, telling them I DONT WANT TO GO CO LATER !
I dont want to face it !
I feel so stupid , i'm a childish kid ,it's like a baby crying because dont want to go to school .
I DONT WANT TO FACE TOMORROW
I DONT WANT TO LET MYSELF SUFFER IN THAT ROOM WHEN I CAN BE FREE OUTSIDE HAVING FUN WITH THEM !
freedom,means alot to me.
everyone is laughing and having fun after exam , how about me??
I want to go shopping with priscilla !
i want to drink cha time !!!!
why do i have to make myself suffer like this?!
ACS you're so stupid !
.....................................
concert is coming soon.
This will be my last station in HHCO.
I will work hard for it , and that's the end .
I will quit this year .
So long, CO .
thanks for all the tears and stress.
Chinese Orchestra, YES.
I don't care if any of the members sees this.
I'm going to say it directly, it's been kept in my heart for 3 years. who cares.
I really don't like it !
I feel so..so stressed, tensed, rejected, unwanted, what else?
我们是个大家庭，互相照顾, YEA RIGHT.
family? yea, right.
I DONT FEEL A SINGLE SENSE OF CARE for these years!
I FEEL STRESSED AND TENSED every time i step into the room !
I FEEL BORED, YES, BORED ! and tired !
I just feel like i cant blend into the group.
Hello? it's been 3 years! I still feel like im a new student to the group man.
who knows my feelings? who knows the tears i've shed for this stupid reason?!
But i'm the only one facing this problem.
those who join this group the same time as me,
has already got a click and close friends in the group.
reasons i dont like the group at all, and why i cant blend in .
1. Most of them are really good students. I mean , really good results, and very very guai students.
Most of them are the kind of the students that study everyday, super discipline, very serious, don't play,
don't joke. even if they joke, sorry to say that, their jokes are the DIFFERENT kind of joke. those kind of
jokes that good students crack, which doesnt make me laugh at all.
In this group, i feel so tensed. nobody loves to play.
it's like, super serious. not like school band, they do have crazy times and joke around.
We dont. i mean, THEY dont. it's not suitable for me, im not that type, difenitely not.
everything in that group is like so formal, so serious, so strict.
I didnt say we shouldn't have rules, but sorry, im not here to critisize, every group has their own style,
maybe i'm just not suitable for this kind of style.
2. I am a very sensitive person but i promise i'm not being sensitive this time.
I dont know for WHAT reason? People in there seem to look down on me.maybe it's because i'm not
as good as them? some people always give me those looks . you know, THOSE LOOKS.
People there, dont unite with each other.
People there, doesnt care about you. yes,maybe some. just some.
People there, dont love each other.
People there, are working hard to prove their better than others, NOT TO LEARN TOGETHER.
People there, don't show love at all.
what have i done wrong man. I just cant blend in , I JUST CAN'T. at first i think that it's my own
problem , i have socializing problem, it's not their fault. I tried very hard to talk to them, chat with them,
blend into their culture, but i failed.
I can talk and laugh like mad in front of other group of friends,
but once i step into the CO room, the cold and unloving room,
I dont feel like i'm me.
I don't feel like im Annabella, it's like another annabella trying to be the real annabella but failed.
I feel unwanted, rejected or so.
I'm just not me at all. I dont smile, and i dont laugh there.
People are so cold there.
People are so proud there.
People are so fake there.
Come on, this doesnt even sound like an orchestra.
i remember 2 years ago, i used to cry a lot due to the stress in this group.
but, who cares? the respond you get is the same.
at first i thought when times goes by, i will slowly blend in and i wont feel the same anymore.
But i'm in this group for 2 years already, i still feel the same.
last year, form 3 students can choose to not have any coccuriculum activities due to exams.
That's a great news for me.
So, last year, i quit.
I dont belong anywhere, im free.
I didnt want to go back again this year.
But, last year end,
I start to miss the music.
MUSIC, NOT THE PEOPLE, NOT THE GROUP.
I miss 华乐。
I miss this kind of really nice music.
I dont know if i still have chance to learn chinese music or not.
I thought for a very long time,
at last i decided to join this group again .
just because of the music. I really miss it.
IM SO STUPID.
I MADE THE WRONG DECISION.
GREAT! IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SUFFER FOR THE WHOLE 2012.
this year, i thought everything will be different. ....
come on , annabella.
You think too much .
You don't always get the thing you've expected.
I was too naive.
After leaving this group for 1 whole year, and this year im back again,
i thought they would welcome me, shake hands with me
or will be suprised or shocked, like hey!! you are back ! or stuffs like that.
But, i was totally wrong.
1st day of 学会, 2012.
they knew i came back.
no one came to say hi to me.
no one smiled to me.
no one came to talk to me.
and i have no friends there anymore because i used to have a friend in CO and she has already quit.
I'm all on my own, just me myself and I.
few mins later, another girl came in.
she's like me, quit at form 3 , and this year came back.
once she step into the room,
everyone was like running to her and said hey !!!!! you came back!!!!!!
i told you, i was the odd one. i was the werid one, i was the ugly duckling.
what was i? am i invisible?? hello? am i nothing?
Was i invisible for the past 2 years?
Dont you guys know me?
Yes, i m invisible .
I wanted to cry at that moment.
I was asked to sit together with the form 1 new students.
and when the form 1 students need to stand up 1 by one and introduce themselves to the group,
I was called to do that too .
I felt so unwanted,
I was here in this group for 2 years ! and now you ask me to stand up like a new student and introduce myself, and say what is the reason i join this group??
when it was HER turn to introduce, everyone was like whoooo! yay!! and stuffs like that.
the president even purposely announce to the whole group that she was one of our member, but she quit last year and came back this year.
HELLO? I AM TOO !
I AM NOT A NEW STUDENT !
Why only annouce her and not me???!
WHY I HAVE TO SIT TOGETHER WITH THE FORM 1 STUDENTS AND INTRODUCE MYSELF?!
what have i done wrong?! why i have to be treated like this?!
it's like i beg them to come back like that !
dont show me that kind of faces !
THE PAST 2 YEARS, ALL THE EFFORT I'VE GIVE IN, WASTED?!
there's only 1 thing that brights up my time in that stupid place that day.
My 教练 . he saw me. he came to me and just sayang my head, although i dont know why did he do that? but that was the ONLY THING that make me smile for the whole afternoon.
I kept quiet the whole afternoon.
It was a dark and gloomy afternoon.
I hold my tears , i didnt want to cry in this stupid place.
My heart was so heavy.
i realized i made the wrong choice . that is to join back this group this year .
this may be the biggest mistake i've done in my life .
An ugly duckling , trying to blend in with the "swans" for 3 years, and failed .
that's me, an ugly duckling .
Go on , laugh , give me a nickname if you want
THE UGLY DUCKLING OF HIN HUA CHINESE ORCHESTRA.
how about that ?
No one cares.
I guess this is the world, this is reality .
I'm suffering in this group , seriously .
Many times i cry because of the stress in it .
Tomorrow is the last day of exam.
Normally i will go out shopping with them.
few weeks back i've keep on wanting to go shopping with priscilla.
I've not shopped for ages.
I want freedom, i want to shop !
I cant buy the things i want when i go with my family, but i can when i go out with friends.
But this time, i loose my freedom .
I've studied so hard for this time's exam,
I want freedom!
I want to go out with frieends !
but the bad news is I HAVE TO GO TO THAT PLACE AFTER EXAM !
I DONT WAN'T TO GO !
If you ask my classmates,
every thursday and saturday before school ends,
i will keep on bugging them, telling them I DONT WANT TO GO CO LATER !
I dont want to face it !
I feel so stupid , i'm a childish kid ,it's like a baby crying because dont want to go to school .
I DONT WANT TO FACE TOMORROW
I DONT WANT TO LET MYSELF SUFFER IN THAT ROOM WHEN I CAN BE FREE OUTSIDE HAVING FUN WITH THEM !
freedom,means alot to me.
everyone is laughing and having fun after exam , how about me??
I want to go shopping with priscilla !
i want to drink cha time !!!!
why do i have to make myself suffer like this?!
ACS you're so stupid !
.....................................
concert is coming soon.
This will be my last station in HHCO.
I will work hard for it , and that's the end .
I will quit this year .
So long, CO .
thanks for all the tears and stress.
Saturday 12 May 2012
And I'm Finally blogging again.
Wow. It has been quite a long time since I blog.
Now my blogging skills are all gone.
I don't know how to start writing, or what title to write.
I've wanted to blog for these few days but due to exam I don't have time to do so.
I'll just share some stories of my life.
-
start with yesterday and today.
Exams have started, yesterday was the 2nd day of exam, Geography and BM.
It was overall smooth,Thank God, and those who said jiayou and prayed for me :)
After exam , me , and my my bestie jiamin , as usual,hang out together, she bought me kit kat for free man. I was so touched. =D I teman her cross the bridge and she took bus home.
I walked back to school, meet up with vivian and guan de.
We eat 橙盘的饭, left a few type of food only. :(
after eating we're supposed to start doing MATHS. but we ended up talking, about pets! lol ..
But later on we still got do maths la. :D Thanks to Vivian and Guan De for teaching me maths.. :)
Chern Yong and Guan De. Doing maths or playing game? XD
Vivian , 耐心地教我数学。 :)
Then I was back home.
Here comes the dissapointed moment.
I felt so dissappointed at myself.
I was supposed to go for violin lesson.
but I'm not done with the decorations yet.
That time was already 3 something, and i have to go to church at 5.
I really felt so dissapointed at that moment.
the first thing i did when i reach home was to cut the color papers.
I felt so... so...kind of angry at myself.
I fail in everything I do.
I stared at the yellow papers and i felt that it was so ugly , like the result of my failure.
I felt so tired, Physically.
I just keep on staring at them.
Thanks to someone who cheered me up... =)
I prayed for God's strength..
I didn't go to violin lesson, i have no choice...
Just like this picture below. I took this picture , when i was really disappointed.
The result of my failure.
So at 5 I went to church, for the decorations and practice, and MIF at night.
Change mood change mood.
It's a happy night ! it's MIF PRAISE AND WORSHIP NIGHT! :)
Actually I have maths exam the next day.
I didnt know how to tell my mum and dad that i have to go church till late night.
But Thank God they did let me go..
Yay, i reached church ! I changed my mood, I wasn't so down anymore.
Later on Alex came to help me decorate as he is my Sub-com.
Thanks Alex. :)
When alex had nothing to do he went to play the piano.
I was so shocked. you know why?
He's playing 路小雨，斗琴，turkish march very well !
and he learned it all by himself ! + some help of bryan !
My brother is really very very talented, seriously.
I never seen someone that can play the piano so well without taking lessons. :)
I feel so proud of him . :D
Picture Below : When cutting the alphabets.
Thanks to my awesome phone camera quality, i looked so ugly.
We were wearing choir shirt !! i left choir at form 1 but i have the shirt ! and i miss choir days!!!
Before PNW night started, something really sad happened.
I took down the decorations.
It was really ugly, My mood 陷入谷底 .
When i saw my 作品 from far, it was really ugly and im so dissapointed at myself,again.
All i did was going to be taken away.
I decided to take it down, it looks better without it.
At that moment i really feel like crying.
-
I spoiled my own mood, great.
Later on i thought, i dont want to miss this awesome night.
I dont want to carry this long donkey face for the whole night.
i decided to move on and do better on the next task of tonight - pianist.
And so, PNW went sucsessful .
Bro. Ken Loong shared a really meaningful Message.
It means alot to me. Because i have truly experienced it myself.
I felt SO UNWORTHY before.
I felt so undeserved before.
I felt that i don't deserve God's love.
But you know what?
God says He knows it all, and He is willing to love such an unworthy person like me.
I will never forget the times that i really cried during praise and worship.
I remember when i was in primary I did cry once because i was touched during PNW.
but the 3 times i remembered most was last year once and this year twice.
I cried really hard .
It was dark during worship session during english service.
somehow , it's just so true.
Holy Spirit touched me.
My tears just cant help to roll down .
what Bro. Ken Loong shared was so true.
The 4 Rs
R- Revelation
R- Realization
R- Repentence
R- Response
Yes, though i felt unworthy , but i cant just stop there feeling unworthy all of my life.
I have to move on, and respond to God.
The more I see the unworthiness in me, the more i know how much He loves me.
Thank You, God.
-
A very nice friend of mine gave me a paper about bible verses related we can cling on to during exams.
Before exams, during exams, and after exams.
It's really meaningful! I'm going to stick it on the wall beside my bed.
before i sleep, when i wake up and any other times, i can see it !
Thank you so so so so so so so so so much!!! :)
PNW went smoothly too, although 3 songs were cancelled due to the lacking of time.
But i played mistakes! AAH! =\
but overall everything went well, Praise the Lord ! :)
-
Today. 12.05.2012.
It's a very special day.
Maths exam. I woke up late this morning and i felt extremely tired.
Every time's maths test is like dooms day to me.
I hate it !
I came to school with a really tired, and emo mood.
i dont want to face it, im afraid.
and im so tired physically, my eyes cant even open wide and i looked like i never sleep for a long time. -.-
afraid of what? maths of course.
Anybody who knows Annabella Ching Shi knows that her maths is horrible.
Since primary , my maths already very teruk.
Secondary even worse !
no one will ever find me to ask me maths, except my sister which she is in primary school.
Every teacher, and everybody in the class knows how weak my maths is.
Seriously, that bad !
I'm seriously afraid.
Everybody in the class was like so calm.
i looked calm in the outside but inside i was so afraid and didn't want to face it.
果然在我预料当中。
I really don't know how to do.
Great.
I felt so down.
But i have free sweet to eat.
Jia Min saw that i was so down so she bought sweet for me.
YAYYYY. :D
-
I really hate mathematics exam .
every time got maths exam , sure got this feeling.
feeling of dissapointment, sad,down,emo,ashame.
Someone told me to look up at the sky and see how beautiful it is.
i did, and it was really wide and beautiful. Thanks :)
Me and tim crossed the bridge and we went home.
I thank God for the caring friends in my life.
Although i dont know how to do maths,
before exam,
once i sit down on my seat, sure got a few people automatic come ask me
会做吗？有什么不会？ :)
I didnt ask them but they taught me. =)
Thanks to them, my caring classmates.
-
Done with yersterday's and today's post.
I decided not to say so much about my feelings.
actually i've been writing a diary for a few weeks.
I write it every night, at my room's table,below the romantic yellow light. LOL..
ll my feelings are in there, so i think i dont need to write it here too.
Before I end, just to share with you guys 2 books that mean alot to me.
<< I kissed dating goodbye >> - Joshua Harris.
On the left is the old cover, on the right is the new updated version,and new cover.
the content inside is the same.
Oh No, the title sounds so awful. KISS DATING GOODBYE?!
Kiss Dating Goodbye? Don't ever date in your whole life?
You might think that this book is asking us not to have a relationship.
If you think this way, You're absolutely wrong.
This Book, teaches us about A new and right attitude toward romance and relationships in a Christian perspective. This book is very popular.
I'm not here to just only promote this book , just that simple.
I'm posting about this with a story behind, which really means alot,alot , alot to me.
The 1st time i read this book was last year, September 16.
It was Malaysia day,a holiday and a friday and saturday got exam and sunday no school.
Mum, dad and sis went to the english service retreat camp for 3 days 2 nights.
i was at home alone, enjoying the solitary all by my myself.
i didnt go to the camp because i have exams.
At that period of time,
I'm struggling through a really hard time.
tears accompanied me throughout my days.
As i said i was alone at home,
so i went to my mum's room and saw this 2 books on her table.
I was immediately kind of attracted to the title.
So i just simply took it and read it, without knowing how much will it impact my life.
Guess what's next?
I cried.
I cried for three days .
.
On sunday morning, my aunt fetched my to church and i went alone without mum beside me.
I saw nanson and i sat next to him during english service.
during the pnw session, I cried from the 1st song to the last song.
It's like all the burden in me, has been set free.
It's all about the love of God.
When you are willing to open up your hearts and cast your burdens to him,
He will show you tremendous and wonderful things He's got for you.
This is the most amazing experience.
It was totally and absolutely God's message to me.
It was Him, it was Him trying to talk to me through this book.
It was God! It was God wanting me to go back to him and telling me how much He loves me.
.
I wrote a long long hand-written letter to my mum, for the first time in my life.
I told her everything about my feelings,my sorrows,my pains, and i said sorry to her for everything i've done, for making her so dissapointed at me,for making her feel so hurt because of me.
those 3 days when my family members wasn't at home,
I really spent time alot with God, listening to what He wants to tell me.
and as well as the tears that never stopped.
when mum came back, i took the courage to give her the letter.
and she replied me with a long long hand-written letter too.
It's a kind of warm feeling that words cant describe.
from that moment onward i did not want to dissapoint her again.
-
This year, I read through this book again, 很仔细很仔细的看。
Again, God touched me.
But this time i did not cry out of sorrow anymore.
I smiled and felt so rejoice in my heart.
Again, the content in the book just taught me so much .
Again, the testimonies and stories in the book, just awakened me again.
It reminds me, to live a pure and holy life in my walk of relationship with God.
I've fell down once, i will not fall down in the same pit again.
I want to rise up and stand for Christ.
YOU WILL NEVER EVER REGRET READING THIS BOOK,NEVER.
if anyone wants it, can tell me, my mum's college bookstore got.
I want to live a pure life. PURE AND HOLY LIFE.
.
Someone told me,
if you like someone,
pray, pray, and keep praying .
And i'm praying now.
-
Recently I feel much more joyful because of an awesome friend. :)
It's an incredible feeling, which i've never ever experienced it in my life before.
Aaaaahh i won't say my feelings here cuz i told my diary. :D
Hopefully this person i'm mentioning sees this. =)
Thank You so much , 0001. =)
.
Dear God,
If it is Your will, may it be done.
I will obey you.
If it really is,
the feelings won't end.
I don't want it to end,either.
Now my blogging skills are all gone.
I don't know how to start writing, or what title to write.
I've wanted to blog for these few days but due to exam I don't have time to do so.
I'll just share some stories of my life.
-
start with yesterday and today.
Exams have started, yesterday was the 2nd day of exam, Geography and BM.
It was overall smooth,Thank God, and those who said jiayou and prayed for me :)
After exam , me , and my my bestie jiamin , as usual,hang out together, she bought me kit kat for free man. I was so touched. =D I teman her cross the bridge and she took bus home.
I walked back to school, meet up with vivian and guan de.
We eat 橙盘的饭, left a few type of food only. :(
after eating we're supposed to start doing MATHS. but we ended up talking, about pets! lol ..
But later on we still got do maths la. :D Thanks to Vivian and Guan De for teaching me maths.. :)
Chern Yong and Guan De. Doing maths or playing game? XD
Then I was back home.
Here comes the dissapointed moment.
I felt so dissappointed at myself.
I was supposed to go for violin lesson.
but I'm not done with the decorations yet.
That time was already 3 something, and i have to go to church at 5.
I really felt so dissapointed at that moment.
the first thing i did when i reach home was to cut the color papers.
I felt so... so...kind of angry at myself.
I fail in everything I do.
I stared at the yellow papers and i felt that it was so ugly , like the result of my failure.
I felt so tired, Physically.
I just keep on staring at them.
Thanks to someone who cheered me up... =)
I prayed for God's strength..
I didn't go to violin lesson, i have no choice...
Just like this picture below. I took this picture , when i was really disappointed.
The result of my failure.
So at 5 I went to church, for the decorations and practice, and MIF at night.
Change mood change mood.
It's a happy night ! it's MIF PRAISE AND WORSHIP NIGHT! :)
Actually I have maths exam the next day.
I didnt know how to tell my mum and dad that i have to go church till late night.
But Thank God they did let me go..
Yay, i reached church ! I changed my mood, I wasn't so down anymore.
Later on Alex came to help me decorate as he is my Sub-com.
Thanks Alex. :)
When alex had nothing to do he went to play the piano.
I was so shocked. you know why?
He's playing 路小雨，斗琴，turkish march very well !
and he learned it all by himself ! + some help of bryan !
My brother is really very very talented, seriously.
I never seen someone that can play the piano so well without taking lessons. :)
I feel so proud of him . :D
Picture Below : When cutting the alphabets.
Thanks to my awesome phone camera quality, i looked so ugly.
We were wearing choir shirt !! i left choir at form 1 but i have the shirt ! and i miss choir days!!!
Before PNW night started, something really sad happened.
I took down the decorations.
It was really ugly, My mood 陷入谷底 .
When i saw my 作品 from far, it was really ugly and im so dissapointed at myself,again.
All i did was going to be taken away.
I decided to take it down, it looks better without it.
At that moment i really feel like crying.
-
I spoiled my own mood, great.
Later on i thought, i dont want to miss this awesome night.
I dont want to carry this long donkey face for the whole night.
i decided to move on and do better on the next task of tonight - pianist.
And so, PNW went sucsessful .
Bro. Ken Loong shared a really meaningful Message.
It means alot to me. Because i have truly experienced it myself.
I felt SO UNWORTHY before.
I felt so undeserved before.
I felt that i don't deserve God's love.
But you know what?
God says He knows it all, and He is willing to love such an unworthy person like me.
I will never forget the times that i really cried during praise and worship.
I remember when i was in primary I did cry once because i was touched during PNW.
but the 3 times i remembered most was last year once and this year twice.
I cried really hard .
It was dark during worship session during english service.
somehow , it's just so true.
Holy Spirit touched me.
My tears just cant help to roll down .
what Bro. Ken Loong shared was so true.
The 4 Rs
R- Revelation
R- Realization
R- Repentence
R- Response
Yes, though i felt unworthy , but i cant just stop there feeling unworthy all of my life.
I have to move on, and respond to God.
The more I see the unworthiness in me, the more i know how much He loves me.
Thank You, God.
-
A very nice friend of mine gave me a paper about bible verses related we can cling on to during exams.
Before exams, during exams, and after exams.
It's really meaningful! I'm going to stick it on the wall beside my bed.
before i sleep, when i wake up and any other times, i can see it !
Thank you so so so so so so so so so much!!! :)
PNW went smoothly too, although 3 songs were cancelled due to the lacking of time.
But i played mistakes! AAH! =\
but overall everything went well, Praise the Lord ! :)
-
Today. 12.05.2012.
It's a very special day.
Maths exam. I woke up late this morning and i felt extremely tired.
Every time's maths test is like dooms day to me.
I hate it !
I came to school with a really tired, and emo mood.
i dont want to face it, im afraid.
and im so tired physically, my eyes cant even open wide and i looked like i never sleep for a long time. -.-
afraid of what? maths of course.
Anybody who knows Annabella Ching Shi knows that her maths is horrible.
Since primary , my maths already very teruk.
Secondary even worse !
no one will ever find me to ask me maths, except my sister which she is in primary school.
Every teacher, and everybody in the class knows how weak my maths is.
Seriously, that bad !
I'm seriously afraid.
Everybody in the class was like so calm.
i looked calm in the outside but inside i was so afraid and didn't want to face it.
果然在我预料当中。
I really don't know how to do.
Great.
I felt so down.
But i have free sweet to eat.
Jia Min saw that i was so down so she bought sweet for me.
YAYYYY. :D
-
I really hate mathematics exam .
every time got maths exam , sure got this feeling.
feeling of dissapointment, sad,down,emo,ashame.
Someone told me to look up at the sky and see how beautiful it is.
i did, and it was really wide and beautiful. Thanks :)
Me and tim crossed the bridge and we went home.
I thank God for the caring friends in my life.
Although i dont know how to do maths,
before exam,
once i sit down on my seat, sure got a few people automatic come ask me
会做吗？有什么不会？ :)
I didnt ask them but they taught me. =)
Thanks to them, my caring classmates.
-
Done with yersterday's and today's post.
I decided not to say so much about my feelings.
actually i've been writing a diary for a few weeks.
I write it every night, at my room's table,below the romantic yellow light. LOL..
ll my feelings are in there, so i think i dont need to write it here too.
Before I end, just to share with you guys 2 books that mean alot to me.
<< I kissed dating goodbye >> - Joshua Harris.
On the left is the old cover, on the right is the new updated version,and new cover.
the content inside is the same.
Kiss Dating Goodbye? Don't ever date in your whole life?
You might think that this book is asking us not to have a relationship.
If you think this way, You're absolutely wrong.
This Book, teaches us about A new and right attitude toward romance and relationships in a Christian perspective. This book is very popular.
I'm not here to just only promote this book , just that simple.
I'm posting about this with a story behind, which really means alot,alot , alot to me.
The 1st time i read this book was last year, September 16.
It was Malaysia day,a holiday and a friday and saturday got exam and sunday no school.
Mum, dad and sis went to the english service retreat camp for 3 days 2 nights.
i was at home alone, enjoying the solitary all by my myself.
i didnt go to the camp because i have exams.
At that period of time,
I'm struggling through a really hard time.
tears accompanied me throughout my days.
As i said i was alone at home,
so i went to my mum's room and saw this 2 books on her table.
I was immediately kind of attracted to the title.
So i just simply took it and read it, without knowing how much will it impact my life.
Guess what's next?
I cried.
I cried for three days .
.
On sunday morning, my aunt fetched my to church and i went alone without mum beside me.
I saw nanson and i sat next to him during english service.
during the pnw session, I cried from the 1st song to the last song.
It's like all the burden in me, has been set free.
It's all about the love of God.
When you are willing to open up your hearts and cast your burdens to him,
He will show you tremendous and wonderful things He's got for you.
This is the most amazing experience.
It was totally and absolutely God's message to me.
It was Him, it was Him trying to talk to me through this book.
It was God! It was God wanting me to go back to him and telling me how much He loves me.
.
I wrote a long long hand-written letter to my mum, for the first time in my life.
I told her everything about my feelings,my sorrows,my pains, and i said sorry to her for everything i've done, for making her so dissapointed at me,for making her feel so hurt because of me.
those 3 days when my family members wasn't at home,
I really spent time alot with God, listening to what He wants to tell me.
and as well as the tears that never stopped.
when mum came back, i took the courage to give her the letter.
and she replied me with a long long hand-written letter too.
It's a kind of warm feeling that words cant describe.
from that moment onward i did not want to dissapoint her again.
-
This year, I read through this book again, 很仔细很仔细的看。
Again, God touched me.
But this time i did not cry out of sorrow anymore.
I smiled and felt so rejoice in my heart.
Again, the content in the book just taught me so much .
Again, the testimonies and stories in the book, just awakened me again.
It reminds me, to live a pure and holy life in my walk of relationship with God.
I've fell down once, i will not fall down in the same pit again.
I want to rise up and stand for Christ.
YOU WILL NEVER EVER REGRET READING THIS BOOK,NEVER.
if anyone wants it, can tell me, my mum's college bookstore got.
I want to live a pure life. PURE AND HOLY LIFE.
.
Someone told me,
if you like someone,
pray, pray, and keep praying .
And i'm praying now.
-
Recently I feel much more joyful because of an awesome friend. :)
It's an incredible feeling, which i've never ever experienced it in my life before.
Aaaaahh i won't say my feelings here cuz i told my diary. :D
Hopefully this person i'm mentioning sees this. =)
Thank You so much , 0001. =)
.
Dear God,
If it is Your will, may it be done.
I will obey you.
If it really is,
the feelings won't end.
I don't want it to end,either.
The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. - Joshua Harris.
Wednesday 28 March 2012
4年了，所经历的，都不一样
原来我，经历了那么多事，真的很多
曾经走过的艰辛，现在想起来有点空荡荡的感觉
我变了，变了很多，进步了很多，成长了很多
唯一没有变的事，在感情上还是那么脆弱，每一次都败给眼泪
每次都败给那些很喜欢把快乐建立在我的身上的人。
是，我每次都为这种事哭泣
是，我就是那么失败。
这些事，这些轰轰烈烈的故事，不是一场梦
而是确确实实发生过在我身上的回忆。
这都是我自己的故事，都是我的，不是别人，而是我自己。
现在的我，爱笑爱玩爱闹
当我在嘻笑的时候
又会有谁看到我内心的痛?
我多希望有人会望着我，对我说：“我知道你，辛苦了...."
我要感谢，所有曾经出现在我回忆里的人
伤害我，把我给弄跨，让我哭得撕心裂肺的人，
无言乱语诬赖我的人，看不起我的人，
在我最难过的时候看都不看我一眼的人，
总是让我花上所有心思，时间，泪水，但从以前到现在都不曾珍惜的人。
讥笑 我，认定我爬不起来的人。
伤害了我却哈哈大笑的人。
。。。
眼泪一直没有停过，心中的那座山从来没被挪开过
心里的负担，痛哭，真的很痛。
昨天，今天，都把心里的痛哭出来了
是的，今天我又败给她们了
你又是谁？有什么资格讽刺我？
你什么都不知道，事情的经过原因都不清楚
就嘲笑我，在我面前嘲笑我
把快乐建立在我的痛苦上后，在背后哈哈大笑，真的很好玩吗？
-
我的尊严在哪里？我的尊严拿去喂狗了，拿去丢垃圾桶烧掉了，没有了。
-
这次我真的以为我不会哭了，傻子，我还以为自己不会再为这种最不值得的东西哭了
白痴，结果我始终败给眼泪，去年这样今年也这样，为什么我就是那么失败。
你真的很幼稚，以前到现在都没有变过。
我到底得罪你什么？还是你的爱好就是把你的快乐建立在别人的痛苦上？
我真傻，还真的为你们哭了，很好。
-
我已经完完全全的做自己了，为什么还是这样
难道我做自己也有错吗？
如果是，那我宁愿关在家里给和世界隔离算了。
-
我很爱我妈妈，可是她并不知道我有多爱她。
今天看回小时候所有照片
不知道为什么就痛哭了起来
好久没有这样痛哭了，甚至是跪在地上痛哭....
我看到照片里，妈妈是怎样抱我，疼我，照顾我....
小时候的幸福，都是爸爸妈妈给的
我真是一个很幸福的小孩
因为我拥有全世界最棒最爱我的父母....
我看到照片里的我
眼睛，很大很亮，水汪汪的，我很胖，很可爱，真的超可爱
我看了都真的很难相信那是我。
我看到照片里的我
胖嘟嘟的，坐在沙发上，我想，当时的我肯定很幸福
饿了有人喂我，累了有人哄我睡觉，申手就有人抱抱，要什么就有什么， 真幸福。
这是最爱我的爸爸。
想念这个灿烂的笑。
永远难忘的朋友，10岁。
我要回这个笑容
在我人生里，她是我最珍贵的朋友，我们二年级认识，她陪我走过5年的岁月，一起经历的事情太多太多了，她是我最珍惜的知心朋友，3年不见了，我仍然怀念和她的日子。
这一生，太开心流泪过2次。一次是UPSR成绩6A,另外一次，就是她从美国回来的时候.....:)
我们2个都是基督徒，什么事情都可以聊，有活动都一起参加.... :)
生日快乐，11岁....
我们都好可爱。
拿到礼物时，那种单纯的快乐。
珍贵的表姐妹情..
最爱我的妈妈。
小学的娃娃装，毕业快乐。
我大爱这张。
妈妈很疼我，真的很疼我，虽然她现在跟以前不一样了，我直到她还是很爱我
爸爸也很爱我，我16岁了，她还是把我当宝贝女儿一样看待。
我的心真的真的很痛，
这些年，我都让妈妈对我失望，伤心，担心.......
我好像没有什么可以让妈妈光荣............................................................
我真的很希望妈妈能像以前这样那么疼我，因为她很少跟我说话了......
是因为我太令她失望了吗？我真的不想让她失望了...
她不知道我心里的痛苦和挣扎............
-
我看回了小学6年的我
再次抱着床头痛哭起来，我真的很喜欢当时的我
现在我到底变成什么样子了...........................
我很怀念以前的日子，真的真的很怀念...............
如果可以我想永远都当那位12岁的皙....
再怎么想，都回不去了........
我的心，就像撕成2半一样痛........
...
是吧，外人都把我的生命看成好像很顺利，没有烦恼....
是吧，我在别人眼里好像是很有成就的人......
其实不是。 我 心 里 的 痛 真 的 埋 没 了 很久...........................
-
谢谢班上的同学安慰我，供应tissue给我.
谢谢ricky...谢谢ethel....，还有关心我，懂我的人..
晚安
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