let's start with the moment i opened my eyes. :)
I did not wake up in a good way,
in fact i kinda woke up in fear,the first thing i heard was scolding sound.
i really really, do not like this at all.
i always wanted myself to wake up in a very good mood, welcoming the new day,
and i always wanted myself to wake up thinking of God and His grace as the first thought of my day.
It's really hard to describe it, it does not feel good at all, and in fact i felt like crying.
I didnt have freedom at that moment, and freedom means so much to me.
feel like crying is the first thing i get in the morning, this is so not good.
i really dont like it, it actually can affect my whole day mood.
but thanks to Ah Boy who cheered me up :)
i locked myself in the room and started my trip to africa.
(actually i meant i was drawing africa maps)
somehow i felt better? maybe it's because i'm really interested in geography. :)
altho the maps was hard to draw, ma fan and need a long time to complete it,
but i still enjoy it.
at least, when you do maths, you cant listen to music freely.
but when you do geography, it's still okay when you turn on your music to the loudest volume.
i like to be alone in my own room.
i'm me, and just being myself. :)
after homework, i went to practice violin, that piece that i'm gonna play tomorrow.
finally 4:30 is getting nearer and nearer,
i have to go to church to practice violin .i reached church, and the english service worship team is practicing for tomorrow.
i miss worship session in english service.
i enjoy the worship every week, last week i wasnt around, so i look forward to tomorrow's worship session. what would God speak to me again?
actually, i was nervous.
cuz, David Chin is here, to coach me and stuffs.
i played under his coaching last year, and he was fierce, and he always make me feel im useless.
he scolds, and, and, and.... and i just dont know how to say it.
i was waiting in church,
thinking,
later how? later will i kena scold? will everything go smoothly later?
honestly, that song is hard, and i dont remember playing it before, i dont think i ever heard this song before.
it's originally played by flute, and all the notes are so high.
and, i'm not good at counting the beat, yes you can laugh at me now.
i was thinking,
will he be patient enough to teach me? will he scold me? ....
and yes,
he came, David Chin came,
he started playing the piano and ask me to play.
sunday school choir was there, and everyone was looking at me,
i was all alone, teacher alice wasnt there, i was so afraid, seriously.
before he started playing i told him i'm not really familiar with the song.
he didnt answer me and started playing and ask me to play as well.
i was... i was blurcased, and dont know when to go in..
he started scolding me.... in front of everybody....
你是怎样？那么简单你也不会吗？这个拍子很难吗？
i didnt say a word....
i prayed in my heart for strength, i felt so weak and useless.
i played once again, this time he said, i cant play this sunday......
i felt like crying, it's not because i dont get to play tomorrow,
it's because im so useless, and such a failure, and so shameful.
我没有勇气站起来。
ms ang came over and told david chin, give me a chance, cuz this was quite last minute and i just received the score last night.
david chin told ms and to bring me downstairs and practice..
okay this is better at least.
after practicing with ms ang, ms ang wasnt sure if i can play tomorrow...
cuz i never practiced with the adult choir yet....
she said i have to practice again with teacher alice tomorrow morning during english service and see if can then play...
this means..... i cant go to english service.............................?
yes.... im sad...
i felt so down, and i held my tears.
i felt so useless, and im a failure.
here comes me with all the emo feelings again,
i dont like it , i dont like myself to have this kind of feelings.
i'm not as good as all of you think....
those people who loves me for who i am ,
actually, why? i'm not worth to be loved by you guys like this..
-
BBQ night at Zhan Bin's house with KCMC teens!
Yes, i've been waiting for this particular night for so long,
and , and and.... and i'll be writing it in my own diary. :)
Anyway, thank God for blessing all of us tonight.
we all had fun and enjoyed the fellowship with one another!
Laughter and smiles are beautiful things.
though there are regrets tonight, but it's okay, there are more chances ahead.
We are all God's people.
Smile, Jesus Loves You.
Bookmarks,card,keychain from a special person.
i love them so much, and it means a lot to me :)
I'll cherish it and keep it safe with me.
I'll smile whenever i look at them :)
Thank you so much , Sunshine :)
btw, your writing is so cute. :)
altho there is a really bad news, but there will still be next year, and all the years ahead. isnt it?
i can only force myself to think this way.
* what is the mafia game?? i dont even get it? my brain works slow okay?
-
I have so much to say, so much to express.
Who knows my heart except God?Dear heavenly Father,
I pray that, I will have the spiritual discipline to do my quiet time every day.
I long for You, I want to get closer and closer with You each day.
Thank You for forgiving such an underserved person like me.
Please guide me, and lead me to walk the right path.
Amen.
before i close,
i still wanna give thanks to God,
for my family, and all the friends who loves me for who i am,despite the bad side of my personality,and my weaknesses.
I feel loved everyday, with the love im surrounded with everyday,
all those small little hurts doesnt mean anything much anymore.
small hurts are part of relationship isnt it.
life is full of small yet perfect moments, if you know how to give thanks.
-
I'm so small and tiny, and i have so many weaknesses.
Please let it be forever.
Ah boy. :)
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