Today is the day, i will tell all my feelings about the society im joining in my school.
Chinese Orchestra, YES.
I don't care if any of the members sees this.
I'm going to say it directly, it's been kept in my heart for 3 years. who cares.



I really don't like it !
I feel so..so stressed, tensed, rejected, unwanted, what else?

我们是个大家庭，互相照顾, YEA RIGHT.
family? yea, right.

I DONT FEEL A SINGLE SENSE OF CARE for these years!
I FEEL STRESSED AND TENSED every time i step into the room !
I FEEL BORED, YES, BORED ! and tired !
I just feel like i cant blend into the group.
Hello? it's been 3 years! I still feel like im a new student to the group man.
who knows my feelings? who knows the tears i've shed for this stupid reason?!

But i'm the only one facing this problem.
those who join this group the same time as me,
has already got a click and close friends in the group.

reasons i dont like the group at all, and why i cant blend in .

1. Most of them are really good students. I mean , really good results, and very very guai students.
   Most of them are the kind of the students that study everyday, super discipline, very serious, don't play,
   don't joke. even if they joke, sorry to say that, their jokes are the DIFFERENT kind of joke. those kind of    
   jokes that good students crack, which doesnt make me laugh at all.
   In this group, i feel so tensed. nobody loves to play.
   it's like, super serious. not like school band, they do have crazy times and joke around.
   We dont. i mean, THEY dont. it's not suitable for me, im not that type, difenitely not.
   everything in that group is like so formal, so serious, so strict.
   I didnt say we shouldn't have rules, but sorry, im not here to critisize, every group has their own style,
   maybe i'm just not suitable for this kind of style.

2. I am a very sensitive person but i promise i'm not being sensitive this time.
     I dont know for WHAT  reason? People in there seem to look down on me.maybe it's because i'm not
    as good as them? some people always give me those looks . you know, THOSE LOOKS.
    People there, dont unite with each other.
    People there, doesnt care about you. yes,maybe some. just some.
    People there, dont love each other.
    People there, are working hard to prove their better than others, NOT TO LEARN TOGETHER.
    People there, don't show love at all.
 
    what have i done wrong man. I just cant blend in , I JUST CAN'T. at first i think that it's my own
    problem , i have socializing problem, it's not their fault. I tried very hard to talk to them, chat with them,
   blend into their culture, but i failed.
    I can talk and laugh like mad in front of other group of friends,
    but once i step into the CO room, the cold and unloving room,
    I dont feel like i'm me.
    I don't feel like im Annabella, it's like another annabella trying to be the real annabella but failed.
    I feel unwanted, rejected or so.
    I'm just not me at all. I dont smile, and i dont laugh there.
    People are so cold there.
    People are so proud there.
    People are so fake there.

Come on, this doesnt even sound like an orchestra.

i remember 2 years ago, i used to cry a lot due to the stress in this group.
but, who cares? the respond you get is the same.


at first i thought when times goes by, i will slowly blend in and i wont feel the same anymore.
But i'm in this group for 2 years already, i still feel the same.

last year, form 3 students can choose to not have any coccuriculum activities due to exams.
That's a great news for me.
So, last year, i quit.

I dont belong anywhere, im free.
I didnt want to go back again this year.

But, last year end,
I start to miss the music.
MUSIC, NOT THE PEOPLE, NOT THE GROUP.
I miss 华乐。
I miss this kind of really nice music.
I dont know if i still have chance to learn chinese music or not.


I thought for a very long time,
at last i decided to join this group again .
just because of the music. I really miss it.

IM SO STUPID.
I MADE THE WRONG DECISION.
GREAT! IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SUFFER FOR THE WHOLE 2012.

this year, i thought everything will be different. ....

come on , annabella.
You think too much .
You don't always get the thing you've expected.

I was too naive.
After leaving this group for 1 whole year, and this year im back again,
i thought they would welcome me, shake hands with me
or will be suprised or shocked, like hey!! you are back ! or stuffs like that.

But, i was totally wrong.

1st day of 学会, 2012. 


they knew i came back.
no one came to say hi to me.
no one smiled to me.
no one came to talk to me.
and i have no friends there anymore because i used to have a friend in CO and she has already quit.
I'm all on my own, just me myself and I.

few mins later, another girl came in.
she's like me, quit at form 3 , and this year came back.
once she step into the room,
everyone was like running to her and said hey !!!!! you came back!!!!!!

i told you, i was the odd one. i was the werid one, i was the ugly duckling.

what was i? am i invisible?? hello? am i nothing?
Was i invisible for the past 2 years?
Dont you guys know me?

Yes, i m invisible .
I wanted to cry at that moment.

I was asked to sit together with the form 1 new students.
and when the form 1 students need to stand up 1 by one and introduce themselves to the group,
I was called to do that too .

I felt so unwanted,
I was  here in this group for 2 years ! and now you ask me to stand up like a new student and introduce myself, and say what is the reason i join this group??

when it was HER turn to introduce, everyone was like whoooo! yay!! and stuffs like that.
the president even purposely announce to the whole group that she was one of our member, but she quit last year and came back this year.

HELLO? I AM TOO !
I AM NOT A NEW STUDENT !
Why only annouce  her and not me???!
WHY I HAVE TO SIT TOGETHER WITH THE FORM 1 STUDENTS AND INTRODUCE MYSELF?!
what have i done wrong?! why i have to be treated like this?!
it's like i beg them to come back like that !
dont show me that kind of faces !
THE PAST 2 YEARS, ALL THE EFFORT I'VE GIVE IN, WASTED?!

there's only 1 thing that brights up my time in that stupid place that day.
My 教练 . he saw me. he came to me and just sayang my head, although i dont know why did he do that? but that was the ONLY THING that make me smile for the whole afternoon.

I kept quiet the whole afternoon.
It was a dark and gloomy afternoon.
I hold my tears , i didnt want to cry in this stupid place.
My heart was so heavy.

i realized i made the wrong choice . that is to join back this group this year .
this may be the biggest mistake i've done in my life .

An ugly duckling , trying to blend in with the "swans" for 3 years, and failed .
that's me, an ugly duckling .
Go on , laugh , give me a nickname if you want
THE UGLY DUCKLING OF HIN HUA CHINESE ORCHESTRA.
how about that ?


No one cares.
I guess this is the world, this is reality .
I'm suffering in this group , seriously .

Many times i cry because of the stress in it .



Tomorrow is the last day of exam.
Normally i will go out shopping with them.
few weeks back i've keep on wanting to go shopping with priscilla.
I've not shopped for ages.
I want freedom, i want to shop !
I cant buy the things i want when i go with my family, but i can when i go out with friends.

But this time, i loose my freedom .
I've studied so hard for this time's exam,
I want freedom!
I want to go out with frieends !
but the bad news is I HAVE TO GO TO THAT PLACE AFTER EXAM !

I DONT WAN'T TO GO !

If you ask my classmates,
every thursday and saturday before school ends,
i will keep on bugging them, telling them I DONT WANT TO GO CO LATER !
I dont want to face it !

I feel so stupid , i'm  a childish kid ,it's like a baby crying because dont want to go to school .

I DONT WANT TO FACE TOMORROW
I DONT WANT TO LET MYSELF SUFFER IN THAT ROOM WHEN I CAN BE FREE OUTSIDE HAVING FUN WITH THEM !
freedom,means alot to me.

everyone is laughing and having fun after exam , how about me??


I want to go shopping with priscilla !
i want to drink cha time !!!!

why do i have to make myself suffer like this?!
ACS you're so stupid !
.....................................


concert is coming soon.
This will be  my last station in HHCO.
I will work hard for it , and that's the end .

I will quit this year .
So long, CO .


thanks for all the tears and stress.