what is wrong with me
why do i have this feeling?
the feeling of locking myself in the room 24 hours and not see the world or anything else.
what is wrong with me !
why are all the complicated feelings mixed up together at the same time
what is wrong with me
did i think too much?
what is wrong with me...?!
feel like crying, my heart is so heavy, but i just cant release out my feelings and tears
i'm kind of lost, i think im crazy

i do laugh in front of people, i do smile,
but who knows the feelings inside me
actually i dont even know myself either
i dont know!

please, God, give me tears, i will feel better that way.
someone please tell me what is wrong with me

i wanted to type something, i wanted to tell you,i typed it, and i backspaced it
what is wrong with me

i dont want to lie down , i just want to burst out in tears



i'm not okay, and i dont know why

I'm pretending my smile.

I'm pretending like i look happy.

i'm pretending like i'm fine.

I'm pretending putting all the smiling emoticons.

But I'm actually crying.

I'm crying in front of the screen.

My heart hurts a lot.

I'm not fine at all.

I need you, I need you is what i actually wanted to say.

what is wrong with me?

why am i so weak?

why do i feel hurt ?

I'm not fine. I'm looking at the chatbox.

i seem like i'm fine.

i have so much to tell you, but i dont know how to say.

I dont want to spoil your mood and your day.

i kept everything inside me, pretending and pretending.

why are you not replying me when i need you
sorry , maybe i'm annoying.
how i wish you can read my mind and know what am i thinking.

all i wanted to say is, i need you now, i really need you , to be here with me.

09.06.2012

today, 9th of june, 2012.

let's start with the moment i opened my eyes. :)

I did not wake up in a good way,
in fact i kinda woke up in fear,the first thing i heard was scolding sound.
i really really, do not like this at all.
i always wanted myself to wake up in a very good mood, welcoming the new day,
and i always wanted myself to wake up thinking of God and His grace as the first thought of my day.

It's really hard to describe it, it does not feel good at all, and in fact i felt like crying.
I didnt have freedom at that moment, and freedom means so much to me.
feel like crying is the first thing i get in the morning, this is so not good.

i really dont like it, it actually can affect my whole day mood.
but thanks to Ah Boy who cheered me up :)

i locked myself in the room and started my trip to africa. 
(actually i meant i was drawing africa maps)
somehow i felt better?  maybe it's because i'm really interested in geography. :)
altho the maps was hard to draw, ma fan and need a long time to complete it,
but i still enjoy it.
at least, when you do maths, you cant listen to music freely.
but when you do geography, it's still okay when you turn on your music to the loudest volume.

i like to be alone in my own room.
i'm me, and just being myself. :)

after homework, i went to practice violin, that piece that i'm gonna play  tomorrow.

finally 4:30 is getting nearer and nearer, 

i have to go to church to practice violin .
i reached church, and the english service worship team is practicing for tomorrow.
i miss worship session in english service.
i enjoy the worship every week, last week i wasnt around, so i look forward to tomorrow's worship session. what would God speak to me again?

actually, i was nervous.
cuz, David Chin is here, to coach me and stuffs.
i played under his coaching last year, and he was fierce, and he always make me feel im useless.
he scolds, and, and, and.... and i just dont know how to say it.

i was waiting in church,
thinking,
later how? later will i kena scold? will everything go smoothly later?
honestly, that song is hard, and i dont remember playing it before, i dont think i ever heard this song before.
it's originally played by flute, and all the notes are so high.
and, i'm not good at counting the beat, yes you can laugh at me now.
i was thinking,
will he be patient enough to teach me? will he scold me? ....

and yes,
he came, David Chin came,
he started playing the piano and ask me to play.
sunday school choir was there, and everyone was looking at me,
i was all alone, teacher alice wasnt there, i was so afraid, seriously.
before he started playing i told him i'm not really familiar with the song.
he didnt answer me and started playing and ask me to play as well.
i was... i was blurcased, and dont know when to go in..

he started scolding me.... in front of everybody....
你是怎样？那么简单你也不会吗？这个拍子很难吗？
i didnt say a word....
i prayed in my heart for strength, i felt so weak and useless.
i played once again, this time he said, i cant play this sunday......

i felt like crying, it's not because i dont get to play tomorrow,
it's because im so useless, and such a failure, and so shameful.

我没有勇气站起来。

ms ang came over and told david chin, give me a chance, cuz this was quite last minute and i just received the score last night.
david chin told ms and to bring me downstairs and practice..
okay this is better at least.

after practicing with ms ang, ms ang wasnt sure if i can play tomorrow...
cuz i never practiced with the adult choir yet....
she said i have to practice again with teacher alice tomorrow morning during english service and see if can then play...
this means..... i cant go to english service.............................?
yes.... im sad...
i felt so down, and i held my tears.
i felt so useless, and im a failure.

here comes me with all the emo feelings again,
i dont like it , i dont like myself to have this kind of feelings.

i'm not as good as all of you think....
those people who loves me for who i am ,
actually, why? i'm not worth to be loved by you guys like this..

-

BBQ night at Zhan Bin's house with KCMC teens!

Yes, i've been waiting for this particular night for so long,
and , and and.... and i'll be writing it in my own diary. :) 


Anyway, thank God for blessing all of us tonight.

we all had fun and enjoyed the fellowship with one another!
Laughter and smiles are beautiful things.
though there are regrets tonight, but it's okay, there are more chances ahead. 
We are all God's people.
Smile, Jesus Loves You.

Bookmarks,card,keychain from a special person.
i love them so much, and it means a lot to me :)
I'll cherish it and keep it safe with me.
I'll smile whenever i look at them :)
Thank you so much , Sunshine :)
btw, your writing is so cute. :)

altho there is a really bad news, but there will still be next year, and all the years ahead. isnt it?
i can only force myself to think this way. 

* what is the mafia game?? i dont even get it? my brain works slow okay?


-

I have so much to say, so much to express. 

Who knows my heart except God?

Dear heavenly Father,
I pray that, I will have the spiritual discipline to do my quiet time every day.
I long for You, I want to get closer and closer with You each day.
Thank You for forgiving such an underserved person like me.
Please guide me, and lead me to walk the right path.
Amen. 

before i close,
i still wanna give thanks to God,
for my family, and all the friends who loves me for who i am,despite the bad side of my personality,and my weaknesses.
I feel loved everyday, with the love im surrounded with everyday,
all those small little hurts doesnt mean anything much anymore.
small hurts are part of relationship isnt it.
life is full of small yet perfect moments, if you know how to give thanks.

-

I'm so small and tiny, and i have so many weaknesses.
Please let it be forever. 






Ah boy. :)

It is midnight now. Its holidays and I'm in Penang Everyone's asleep and I can't sleep. Just here to share some thoughts. Holidays have started, The first week is gone, Now is the second week of holidays. I've joined 2 camps. First is my Chinese orchestra camp I'll skip it and save it for next time. I'll share about the second camp that is so amazing and awesome and wonderful. It's my church's teenagers camp. I really thank God for this camp. We all have just learnt so much. This is the first time I see KCMC youth unite as one despite which language we speak. We have fun together. Hold hands. Play Laugh and even cry together when the holy spirit touch us during that very special night of prayer meeting. I can see lives has been touched I can see lives that has been changed and transformed by our almighty God through this camp We are one. It feels so awesome when all of u worship our God together with a genuine heart, Enjoying the love of brothers and sisters in Christ,the true live that can only be found in Christ Jesus . God spoke to each and every one of us We learnt a lot from our speaker pr chi meei too Once again it's a reminder and wake up call for everyone of us Are we ready to be used by God? Are we prepared to walk closer with God? Are we ready to take up this step of faith? I had so much fun personally in this camp I thank God for all the friends around me Friends who love me and care for me for who I am Thank you guys so muh for everything Thanks you guys for being with me in this camp Just wanna say I love you guys so much. I am so blessed indeed. I pray that our generation will rise up! Let's all be soldiers of God! Let the love be contiued But not just end after camp. God is love Jesus is freedom Without God, man ,where would Annabella be today. Dear God, I just wanna thank you again As I think back of everything You've done in my life. You are so real in my life I am wiling to obey and follow You. Please guide me o lord I pray. Yes, Jesus,I love You. I was so unworthy. I know how it felt to be so stuck in unworthiness and sinfulness But you know what? He is willing to love me He is willing to die for someone so unworthy like me. Who else can I find my hope and strength? Who else can love me like Jesus? Only Jesus,and Jesus alone. I was so lost in my life. I almost gave up on everything. I've died once , spirititually. Jesus saved me . He leaded me back to Him. This is how much He loves me. Jesus is the way the truth and the life and this is so true. - Recently I've come to know that to love is an every day decision True love takes courage, And it has tests and trials. I've felt so disappointed once. I saw something, And when I saw that my heart was so hurt I have no idea at that time why was I so hurt But I'm willing I'm fully willing I'm willing to continue This comes from my heart. Every day is a decision It's not just feelings Cuz human feelings will tell you to stop loving that person When you realize the ugly side of that person. Sometime Im really afraid What if everything goes wrong one day I can't imagine the hurt I don't want it to happen at all. I can ony pray and trust and obey. The scripture says if you delight yourself in the lord He will give you the desires of your heart. I will trust and have faith. - I have my own struggles. An unpleasant past. I know Jesus has cleansed it all away But yet sometimes I can't forgive myself I'm trying so hard to just forget all about it Like it never happened in my life before. But .... Still. - God understands. Ah boy , Thank you so much forever everything. Thank God that I get to know you. You've bring so much to me. More than you can imagine. I'll always be here for you. And always here praying for you. I hope I did make you feel better and bring colors to your life just like how you did. I feel so happy for you when you told me what you've learned from the past week. I can see that you,re even closer with God now And I'm glad to hear all the wonderful things He has done in Your life Praise the lord! Smile more, you have a beautiful smile :) Again, thanks :)