I'm tired, I'm having a very painful headache.
It's killing me... I can't even sleep, Keep on pulling my hair.

It's dark, It's silent, when i hug my pillow, i can hear my own heartbeat
what does it have to say?
I guess it has many things to say.

When it's dark, quiet and silent in the middle of the night,
I think about stuffs.
About my life, about people, about the past, the future, and random memories that just popped out...
I think about, my wrong, my mistakes, things that are hindering me to do the right thing..
I think about.. many many things.


Who is that girl i see, staring straight, back at me?
When will my reflection show, who i am inside?

Life has been great, It's been full of joy, full of laughter,
I've been a cheerful girl, in fact a very cheerful one.

I'm not the old me anymore, because of Jesus Christ
that has changed me, touched my heart, and cleansed my past,
I Love my life now, i love the people around me, i love the feeling of being loved and to love.

It's been a while.
But I still want to say that the TRUTH has set me free.
It's an undescrible feeling.
It feels, great, peaceful, and joyful.

I'm no more the girl that everyone has to say STOP being EMO to me every day
I'm no more the girl that cries everyday
I'm no more the girl that will look at other people's beautiful smile and wish that i could have one too.

But now, everyday i constantly remind myself 

that i want to be the kind of girl that will influence people to be happy
the kind of girl that smiles so joyfully, until when people see me, 
they can feel the joy in my heart and in my life. 
the kind of girl that can make people smile because of my smile.

Sometimes the past still haunts me,
but i remind myself that there's a great future out there waiting for me.
The bible tells us not to look back, but to look forward.

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it...
when it's all about You...
It's all about You... Jesus.


Well... I won't say so much here.

Lastly, my favorite song :

Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away from Thy presence O Lord
and take not Thy Holy spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

:)

The joy of the Lord is my strength :)



Love always hopes, always trust. Love never fails. 

what is wrong with me
why do i have this feeling?
the feeling of locking myself in the room 24 hours and not see the world or anything else.
what is wrong with me !
why are all the complicated feelings mixed up together at the same time
what is wrong with me
did i think too much?
what is wrong with me...?!
feel like crying, my heart is so heavy, but i just cant release out my feelings and tears
i'm kind of lost, i think im crazy

i do laugh in front of people, i do smile,
but who knows the feelings inside me
actually i dont even know myself either
i dont know!

please, God, give me tears, i will feel better that way.
someone please tell me what is wrong with me

i wanted to type something, i wanted to tell you,i typed it, and i backspaced it
what is wrong with me

i dont want to lie down , i just want to burst out in tears



i'm not okay, and i dont know why

I'm pretending my smile.

I'm pretending like i look happy.

i'm pretending like i'm fine.

I'm pretending putting all the smiling emoticons.

But I'm actually crying.

I'm crying in front of the screen.

My heart hurts a lot.

I'm not fine at all.

I need you, I need you is what i actually wanted to say.

what is wrong with me?

why am i so weak?

why do i feel hurt ?

I'm not fine. I'm looking at the chatbox.

i seem like i'm fine.

i have so much to tell you, but i dont know how to say.

I dont want to spoil your mood and your day.

i kept everything inside me, pretending and pretending.

why are you not replying me when i need you
sorry , maybe i'm annoying.
how i wish you can read my mind and know what am i thinking.

all i wanted to say is, i need you now, i really need you , to be here with me.

09.06.2012

today, 9th of june, 2012.

let's start with the moment i opened my eyes. :)

I did not wake up in a good way,
in fact i kinda woke up in fear,the first thing i heard was scolding sound.
i really really, do not like this at all.
i always wanted myself to wake up in a very good mood, welcoming the new day,
and i always wanted myself to wake up thinking of God and His grace as the first thought of my day.

It's really hard to describe it, it does not feel good at all, and in fact i felt like crying.
I didnt have freedom at that moment, and freedom means so much to me.
feel like crying is the first thing i get in the morning, this is so not good.

i really dont like it, it actually can affect my whole day mood.
but thanks to Ah Boy who cheered me up :)

i locked myself in the room and started my trip to africa. 
(actually i meant i was drawing africa maps)
somehow i felt better?  maybe it's because i'm really interested in geography. :)
altho the maps was hard to draw, ma fan and need a long time to complete it,
but i still enjoy it.
at least, when you do maths, you cant listen to music freely.
but when you do geography, it's still okay when you turn on your music to the loudest volume.

i like to be alone in my own room.
i'm me, and just being myself. :)

after homework, i went to practice violin, that piece that i'm gonna play  tomorrow.

finally 4:30 is getting nearer and nearer, 

i have to go to church to practice violin .
i reached church, and the english service worship team is practicing for tomorrow.
i miss worship session in english service.
i enjoy the worship every week, last week i wasnt around, so i look forward to tomorrow's worship session. what would God speak to me again?

actually, i was nervous.
cuz, David Chin is here, to coach me and stuffs.
i played under his coaching last year, and he was fierce, and he always make me feel im useless.
he scolds, and, and, and.... and i just dont know how to say it.

i was waiting in church,
thinking,
later how? later will i kena scold? will everything go smoothly later?
honestly, that song is hard, and i dont remember playing it before, i dont think i ever heard this song before.
it's originally played by flute, and all the notes are so high.
and, i'm not good at counting the beat, yes you can laugh at me now.
i was thinking,
will he be patient enough to teach me? will he scold me? ....

and yes,
he came, David Chin came,
he started playing the piano and ask me to play.
sunday school choir was there, and everyone was looking at me,
i was all alone, teacher alice wasnt there, i was so afraid, seriously.
before he started playing i told him i'm not really familiar with the song.
he didnt answer me and started playing and ask me to play as well.
i was... i was blurcased, and dont know when to go in..

he started scolding me.... in front of everybody....
你是怎样？那么简单你也不会吗？这个拍子很难吗？
i didnt say a word....
i prayed in my heart for strength, i felt so weak and useless.
i played once again, this time he said, i cant play this sunday......

i felt like crying, it's not because i dont get to play tomorrow,
it's because im so useless, and such a failure, and so shameful.

我没有勇气站起来。

ms ang came over and told david chin, give me a chance, cuz this was quite last minute and i just received the score last night.
david chin told ms and to bring me downstairs and practice..
okay this is better at least.

after practicing with ms ang, ms ang wasnt sure if i can play tomorrow...
cuz i never practiced with the adult choir yet....
she said i have to practice again with teacher alice tomorrow morning during english service and see if can then play...
this means..... i cant go to english service.............................?
yes.... im sad...
i felt so down, and i held my tears.
i felt so useless, and im a failure.

here comes me with all the emo feelings again,
i dont like it , i dont like myself to have this kind of feelings.

i'm not as good as all of you think....
those people who loves me for who i am ,
actually, why? i'm not worth to be loved by you guys like this..

-

BBQ night at Zhan Bin's house with KCMC teens!

Yes, i've been waiting for this particular night for so long,
and , and and.... and i'll be writing it in my own diary. :) 


Anyway, thank God for blessing all of us tonight.

we all had fun and enjoyed the fellowship with one another!
Laughter and smiles are beautiful things.
though there are regrets tonight, but it's okay, there are more chances ahead. 
We are all God's people.
Smile, Jesus Loves You.

Bookmarks,card,keychain from a special person.
i love them so much, and it means a lot to me :)
I'll cherish it and keep it safe with me.
I'll smile whenever i look at them :)
Thank you so much , Sunshine :)
btw, your writing is so cute. :)

altho there is a really bad news, but there will still be next year, and all the years ahead. isnt it?
i can only force myself to think this way. 

* what is the mafia game?? i dont even get it? my brain works slow okay?


-

I have so much to say, so much to express. 

Who knows my heart except God?

Dear heavenly Father,
I pray that, I will have the spiritual discipline to do my quiet time every day.
I long for You, I want to get closer and closer with You each day.
Thank You for forgiving such an underserved person like me.
Please guide me, and lead me to walk the right path.
Amen. 

before i close,
i still wanna give thanks to God,
for my family, and all the friends who loves me for who i am,despite the bad side of my personality,and my weaknesses.
I feel loved everyday, with the love im surrounded with everyday,
all those small little hurts doesnt mean anything much anymore.
small hurts are part of relationship isnt it.
life is full of small yet perfect moments, if you know how to give thanks.

-

I'm so small and tiny, and i have so many weaknesses.
Please let it be forever. 






Ah boy. :)

It is midnight now. Its holidays and I'm in Penang Everyone's asleep and I can't sleep. Just here to share some thoughts. Holidays have started, The first week is gone, Now is the second week of holidays. I've joined 2 camps. First is my Chinese orchestra camp I'll skip it and save it for next time. I'll share about the second camp that is so amazing and awesome and wonderful. It's my church's teenagers camp. I really thank God for this camp. We all have just learnt so much. This is the first time I see KCMC youth unite as one despite which language we speak. We have fun together. Hold hands. Play Laugh and even cry together when the holy spirit touch us during that very special night of prayer meeting. I can see lives has been touched I can see lives that has been changed and transformed by our almighty God through this camp We are one. It feels so awesome when all of u worship our God together with a genuine heart, Enjoying the love of brothers and sisters in Christ,the true live that can only be found in Christ Jesus . God spoke to each and every one of us We learnt a lot from our speaker pr chi meei too Once again it's a reminder and wake up call for everyone of us Are we ready to be used by God? Are we prepared to walk closer with God? Are we ready to take up this step of faith? I had so much fun personally in this camp I thank God for all the friends around me Friends who love me and care for me for who I am Thank you guys so muh for everything Thanks you guys for being with me in this camp Just wanna say I love you guys so much. I am so blessed indeed. I pray that our generation will rise up! Let's all be soldiers of God! Let the love be contiued But not just end after camp. God is love Jesus is freedom Without God, man ,where would Annabella be today. Dear God, I just wanna thank you again As I think back of everything You've done in my life. You are so real in my life I am wiling to obey and follow You. Please guide me o lord I pray. Yes, Jesus,I love You. I was so unworthy. I know how it felt to be so stuck in unworthiness and sinfulness But you know what? He is willing to love me He is willing to die for someone so unworthy like me. Who else can I find my hope and strength? Who else can love me like Jesus? Only Jesus,and Jesus alone. I was so lost in my life. I almost gave up on everything. I've died once , spirititually. Jesus saved me . He leaded me back to Him. This is how much He loves me. Jesus is the way the truth and the life and this is so true. - Recently I've come to know that to love is an every day decision True love takes courage, And it has tests and trials. I've felt so disappointed once. I saw something, And when I saw that my heart was so hurt I have no idea at that time why was I so hurt But I'm willing I'm fully willing I'm willing to continue This comes from my heart. Every day is a decision It's not just feelings Cuz human feelings will tell you to stop loving that person When you realize the ugly side of that person. Sometime Im really afraid What if everything goes wrong one day I can't imagine the hurt I don't want it to happen at all. I can ony pray and trust and obey. The scripture says if you delight yourself in the lord He will give you the desires of your heart. I will trust and have faith. - I have my own struggles. An unpleasant past. I know Jesus has cleansed it all away But yet sometimes I can't forgive myself I'm trying so hard to just forget all about it Like it never happened in my life before. But .... Still. - God understands. Ah boy , Thank you so much forever everything. Thank God that I get to know you. You've bring so much to me. More than you can imagine. I'll always be here for you. And always here praying for you. I hope I did make you feel better and bring colors to your life just like how you did. I feel so happy for you when you told me what you've learned from the past week. I can see that you,re even closer with God now And I'm glad to hear all the wonderful things He has done in Your life Praise the lord! Smile more, you have a beautiful smile :) Again, thanks :)

考完试的那一天，
平时都有出去的我，这次留在班上做道具，
做道具之前，还跟班上的人去Bayu 的pizza hut, 刘晶玲老师也有来 :D
星期二就是戏剧决赛了



在做道具的时候.... :)

文凯和我 :) 

剪这个，剪到手抽筋了。超费力的 ..

我们都爱高一文商孝 ! :) 

昨天， 2nd下课在班上做道具，用pelaka涂布景，

涂完要洗手的时候 城荣直接涂我的手，整个变这样.

然后，就有人讲我是smurf 了. xD 

昨天把头发放下来，因为放学要去剪头发 ! 

            诗韵和我 :) 

放学，直接冲去6楼音乐中心，练琴。
因为我过后没有时间练了，所以放学直接去练。

这是我第一次去，
昨天比恩跟我讲进去练一次1小时要5块，我吓到.....
我不明白为什么那么贵，其实根本就不该收钱。


我就试试看了，4年来第一次到这里来。
jiamin 陪我去，到那边，有个老师，不知道是什么国家的人，讲话语调很中国腔..
就来叫我写名字，时间那些，
她看到我手指还有一点蓝蓝，就问我为什么手蓝蓝，她说她不想她的琴键被弄脏。

那里有4间房，她只允许一个人进。jiamin进就要给钱了. -.-
jiamin在外面等我一下，她讲她要听 xD

我就进去了，开始练琴了，感觉有点不习惯，穿着校服，在学校，而且是放学时间。
房间里面真的是有够热，开了冷气可是吹出来的是热气，一个窗口都没有，

只有一个钢琴，那架钢琴也蛮旧了.

jiamin 突然从门那边偷听 xD 我转过头的时候吓到我 ! xD
过后看老师不在，我叫她快点进来，我们讲话小小声，免得老师听到被赶出来 ><

其实我觉得  放学后能再学校练琴，是很不错幸福的事情..
如果难过或心情不好，甚至是开心，
如果我有时间的话，改次应该会再来。
那里只有几位学生，我还听到小提琴声! 

可是，我还是不明白为什么要收学生的钱，而且是5块，很贵。
我也不明白为什么要建在那么偏僻的地方，电梯也不能上那里，要爬楼梯。

我想，我们学校很多同学都不知道这个音乐中心的存在, 只知道有平时上音乐课的那间音乐室而已...

1小时后，那个老师就来赶我了：时间到了！

我就离开音乐中心了。

那时候就开始觉得很晕很晕，不知道为什么

走路的时候，越走越晕

到班上的时候，突然有一瞬间 觉得视线变黑了，感觉好像要晕过去

我在窗帘那里，往外看，真的很晕，心有点慌.

过后有好一点，回到家的时候 就从晕变成痛。

-


分享分享下我最近的生活 :)

During music class, taken by my cousin timothy. :) 

 =) 

Some people, can just make you smile so naturally. :) 

hmmm. i wonder who's that ? XD 

My sister bought me this from her school ! how nice of her ! i love her sooooooooo much !!! 

小叮当，仍然陪着我 :) 

去camp 的时候都会带它去 ! xD 

这是.。。应该是上个星期吧 :) 

看起来很累，不够睡的样子。

 Peek-a-Boo i see you ! XD 

 Sis and me :) 

These are the some of the times that i smile when texting ! XD HEHE . 

fangxue went to 白店 AGAIN ( it's like we go there almost every day ) with jiamin . 

saw marshmellows!!! I LOVE IT ! think of SOMEBODY , so i took photo =P

hey, that SOMEBODY, remember ??! CHOCOLATE WITH MARSHMELLOWS ! 

yes, you !!!! XD



看到这个的时候，又突然有了一个新愿望 xD

 头很痛恨痛的时候 ...

lastly, my bradaaaaa alex chew ! :)

do we look alike? more and more people say thought we're 亲生姐弟 XD

Thanks, di =)

Today is the day, i will tell all my feelings about the society im joining in my school.
Chinese Orchestra, YES.
I don't care if any of the members sees this.
I'm going to say it directly, it's been kept in my heart for 3 years. who cares.



I really don't like it !
I feel so..so stressed, tensed, rejected, unwanted, what else?

我们是个大家庭，互相照顾, YEA RIGHT.
family? yea, right.

I DONT FEEL A SINGLE SENSE OF CARE for these years!
I FEEL STRESSED AND TENSED every time i step into the room !
I FEEL BORED, YES, BORED ! and tired !
I just feel like i cant blend into the group.
Hello? it's been 3 years! I still feel like im a new student to the group man.
who knows my feelings? who knows the tears i've shed for this stupid reason?!

But i'm the only one facing this problem.
those who join this group the same time as me,
has already got a click and close friends in the group.

reasons i dont like the group at all, and why i cant blend in .

1. Most of them are really good students. I mean , really good results, and very very guai students.
   Most of them are the kind of the students that study everyday, super discipline, very serious, don't play,
   don't joke. even if they joke, sorry to say that, their jokes are the DIFFERENT kind of joke. those kind of    
   jokes that good students crack, which doesnt make me laugh at all.
   In this group, i feel so tensed. nobody loves to play.
   it's like, super serious. not like school band, they do have crazy times and joke around.
   We dont. i mean, THEY dont. it's not suitable for me, im not that type, difenitely not.
   everything in that group is like so formal, so serious, so strict.
   I didnt say we shouldn't have rules, but sorry, im not here to critisize, every group has their own style,
   maybe i'm just not suitable for this kind of style.

2. I am a very sensitive person but i promise i'm not being sensitive this time.
     I dont know for WHAT  reason? People in there seem to look down on me.maybe it's because i'm not
    as good as them? some people always give me those looks . you know, THOSE LOOKS.
    People there, dont unite with each other.
    People there, doesnt care about you. yes,maybe some. just some.
    People there, dont love each other.
    People there, are working hard to prove their better than others, NOT TO LEARN TOGETHER.
    People there, don't show love at all.
 
    what have i done wrong man. I just cant blend in , I JUST CAN'T. at first i think that it's my own
    problem , i have socializing problem, it's not their fault. I tried very hard to talk to them, chat with them,
   blend into their culture, but i failed.
    I can talk and laugh like mad in front of other group of friends,
    but once i step into the CO room, the cold and unloving room,
    I dont feel like i'm me.
    I don't feel like im Annabella, it's like another annabella trying to be the real annabella but failed.
    I feel unwanted, rejected or so.
    I'm just not me at all. I dont smile, and i dont laugh there.
    People are so cold there.
    People are so proud there.
    People are so fake there.

Come on, this doesnt even sound like an orchestra.

i remember 2 years ago, i used to cry a lot due to the stress in this group.
but, who cares? the respond you get is the same.


at first i thought when times goes by, i will slowly blend in and i wont feel the same anymore.
But i'm in this group for 2 years already, i still feel the same.

last year, form 3 students can choose to not have any coccuriculum activities due to exams.
That's a great news for me.
So, last year, i quit.

I dont belong anywhere, im free.
I didnt want to go back again this year.

But, last year end,
I start to miss the music.
MUSIC, NOT THE PEOPLE, NOT THE GROUP.
I miss 华乐。
I miss this kind of really nice music.
I dont know if i still have chance to learn chinese music or not.


I thought for a very long time,
at last i decided to join this group again .
just because of the music. I really miss it.

IM SO STUPID.
I MADE THE WRONG DECISION.
GREAT! IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SUFFER FOR THE WHOLE 2012.

this year, i thought everything will be different. ....

come on , annabella.
You think too much .
You don't always get the thing you've expected.

I was too naive.
After leaving this group for 1 whole year, and this year im back again,
i thought they would welcome me, shake hands with me
or will be suprised or shocked, like hey!! you are back ! or stuffs like that.

But, i was totally wrong.

1st day of 学会, 2012. 


they knew i came back.
no one came to say hi to me.
no one smiled to me.
no one came to talk to me.
and i have no friends there anymore because i used to have a friend in CO and she has already quit.
I'm all on my own, just me myself and I.

few mins later, another girl came in.
she's like me, quit at form 3 , and this year came back.
once she step into the room,
everyone was like running to her and said hey !!!!! you came back!!!!!!

i told you, i was the odd one. i was the werid one, i was the ugly duckling.

what was i? am i invisible?? hello? am i nothing?
Was i invisible for the past 2 years?
Dont you guys know me?

Yes, i m invisible .
I wanted to cry at that moment.

I was asked to sit together with the form 1 new students.
and when the form 1 students need to stand up 1 by one and introduce themselves to the group,
I was called to do that too .

I felt so unwanted,
I was  here in this group for 2 years ! and now you ask me to stand up like a new student and introduce myself, and say what is the reason i join this group??

when it was HER turn to introduce, everyone was like whoooo! yay!! and stuffs like that.
the president even purposely announce to the whole group that she was one of our member, but she quit last year and came back this year.

HELLO? I AM TOO !
I AM NOT A NEW STUDENT !
Why only annouce  her and not me???!
WHY I HAVE TO SIT TOGETHER WITH THE FORM 1 STUDENTS AND INTRODUCE MYSELF?!
what have i done wrong?! why i have to be treated like this?!
it's like i beg them to come back like that !
dont show me that kind of faces !
THE PAST 2 YEARS, ALL THE EFFORT I'VE GIVE IN, WASTED?!

there's only 1 thing that brights up my time in that stupid place that day.
My 教练 . he saw me. he came to me and just sayang my head, although i dont know why did he do that? but that was the ONLY THING that make me smile for the whole afternoon.

I kept quiet the whole afternoon.
It was a dark and gloomy afternoon.
I hold my tears , i didnt want to cry in this stupid place.
My heart was so heavy.

i realized i made the wrong choice . that is to join back this group this year .
this may be the biggest mistake i've done in my life .

An ugly duckling , trying to blend in with the "swans" for 3 years, and failed .
that's me, an ugly duckling .
Go on , laugh , give me a nickname if you want
THE UGLY DUCKLING OF HIN HUA CHINESE ORCHESTRA.
how about that ?


No one cares.
I guess this is the world, this is reality .
I'm suffering in this group , seriously .

Many times i cry because of the stress in it .



Tomorrow is the last day of exam.
Normally i will go out shopping with them.
few weeks back i've keep on wanting to go shopping with priscilla.
I've not shopped for ages.
I want freedom, i want to shop !
I cant buy the things i want when i go with my family, but i can when i go out with friends.

But this time, i loose my freedom .
I've studied so hard for this time's exam,
I want freedom!
I want to go out with frieends !
but the bad news is I HAVE TO GO TO THAT PLACE AFTER EXAM !

I DONT WAN'T TO GO !

If you ask my classmates,
every thursday and saturday before school ends,
i will keep on bugging them, telling them I DONT WANT TO GO CO LATER !
I dont want to face it !

I feel so stupid , i'm  a childish kid ,it's like a baby crying because dont want to go to school .

I DONT WANT TO FACE TOMORROW
I DONT WANT TO LET MYSELF SUFFER IN THAT ROOM WHEN I CAN BE FREE OUTSIDE HAVING FUN WITH THEM !
freedom,means alot to me.

everyone is laughing and having fun after exam , how about me??


I want to go shopping with priscilla !
i want to drink cha time !!!!

why do i have to make myself suffer like this?!
ACS you're so stupid !
.....................................


concert is coming soon.
This will be  my last station in HHCO.
I will work hard for it , and that's the end .

I will quit this year .
So long, CO .


thanks for all the tears and stress.